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03. Sep 2010

Click this ass raping thumb below.

Sorry about the thumbnail, it's kind of...not revealing too much. Anyhow, my stand arrived finally and i started composing new music straight away. Awesomeness happens. I really like my life at the moment, including the music i create. Been running wild with my dog in the forests nearby. That's one of the greatest things to do in life. It's been raining all day, but it ain't stopping me ! It's all good. I'm only happy when it rains, dude. Yeah, this wasn't very important, but at least something good is going on somewhere. You know, i just heard today that one fairly young dude (whom i didn't know personally) had suddenly died because of a brain cancer. Life's really fragile, it could all be gone so fast. Seize the moment, suckers.

- Noora

01. Sep 2010

+ New photo added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

31. Aug 2010

I was just browsing some forum where people were discussing about schools they're attending to/studying already. It never seize to amaze me how sure people seem to be about themselves and their interests in life. How do they do it ? I am so not sure ! In fact, i don't have a clue. The unconscious part of myself makes me so enraged at times. Nothing feels right. Absolutely nothing. I'm even scrubling my passions. Why is it so hard to just know. Why can't i just come up with a plan that feels _right_. Jesus fucking christ, i want to make things feel RIGHT. Then again, it won't feel right if it ain't right.

I've checked out some vocational schools and high schools, but the things they offer suck major fucking cellulite ass. I couldn't possibly tolerate bullshit like that for 3 years or more. This could easily be some sort of naive period of my life, where i'm turning my back for all of the opportunities out there just because i hate everything. I just feel like there's no place in this world where i could express myself the way i want it. The way it feels right. I don't want to compromise my life. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- If there's a gnome under my bed, plz giev me a sign. I'm lost.

I'm getting better from the flu. Still feeling a bit hazy and acheish, but it's not bad. I'm pissed off because my life's just a massive empty page and i can't seem to find a way to make it alive. I could take this positively too but instead of doing do, i'm just spilling shit all over my face. Well, at least it's warm and wet. I don't know. Life's making me sick at times. I'm beginning to believe that there is no "feeling right about things". I guess i just need to adjust the idea.

- Noora

28. Aug 2010

Since i don't have a decent place for my keys yet, i haven't really been able to continue creating my newest creation. My keyboards are now lying on the floor - i tried playing once there, but maaan it was hard. The good thing is - Sami ordered A STAND (yeeey) couple of days ago and in a few days (hopefully) it'll arrive AND then i can continue my music madness. A stand will definitely rock my balls.

Creating a song is like taking a photograph. It's all about freezing a moment. It's obvious, that both of them attract me deeply for their similarities. Sometimes i wonder if everything i do is completely useless and just pure escapism. I'm creating my own world, but at times that seems to be my biggest problem. I have no idea how to manage in this world, to the extent that i try not to face it at all. The only thing which i'm sure of is my existence in some manner. It might not be what i think it is, but i know that some kind of consciousness exist in this room. In this human form. Everywhere.

Oh, and i got a flu from Sami ! He had it from a guy named Romain. If you're reading this dude, THANKS A LOT. You're infecting the world. I had a huge headache when i woke up today. I don't have headaches very often. Felt like someone had beaten me up the past 8 hours. Brutality. I guess it's ok though, it'll be used as a great excuse to act lazy.

Sami's really challenging. When we're discussing about something, i'm always the underdog of the discussion. These moments show greatly how hard it is for me to talk anything that makes any sense. When i'm trying to get my thoughts into words in a speech, the result is absolutely devastating. It's much worse than you could think. To be honest, i just really hate when he makes sense to me, but i don't make sense to him or myself. It sucks to be the one who's not understood correctly and to be dismissed because of it. "You're bullshitting!" BUT I'M NOT, YOU PIECE OF FLAMENGO'S FLAMING SHIT ! I'm just not representing my thoughts very well. I feel like such a dumbass after a conversation with someone who actually knows what he/she's talking about. At least it's understandable. And again, it's all relative too. Knowledge is.

We'll be moving to somewhere Southern Finland (proly Helsinki) in six months, that decision has been made. That will probably be a real nice change, something that will take time to get used to after living here in the middle of the woods for so long. As a matter of fact, i don't really want to live in here anymore. I grew up in here, but i want to grow older somewhere else. I've seen this place, and now it's time to move on.

- Noora

25. Aug 2010

+ New pics added to Photo/Misc 2010.

23. Aug 2010

So, in the past couple of days i've been sawing the shit out of my (now ex) worktable. First i sawed it in the middle, and now i'm making smaller pieces out of it. Why ? Well, it takes too much of space we don't have, i hate the way it looks - it's huge, ugly and i want to get rid of it as fast as possible. Sawing is ok, i'm just not very efficient in it. I'm fast, but not efficient. Don't know what i'm going to do with the remnants of my desk after i've finished this project, but maybe i'll just throw them... somewhere. I don't have any place for the keyboards now, but maybe indeed it's time to get the god damn stand for it. I used to play it on this desk i just destroyed. Yeah, it sucked. It would've been a waste of time trying to sell this piece of shit, because it was awful and heavy in the first place. No offence desk, but no one would have loved you.

I'm taking a break, but soon i'll have to get back shaving. I mean, sawing. I didn't know i could saw, at all, but hey. I was absolutely wrong ! My new profession could be a chainsaw. Kind of impressive, isn't it ? Or not. I will leave this computer now and get back to being a man. Bybye assholes.

- Noora

21. Aug 2010

+ Added some old drawings to "Other".

Today i realized how WEIRD do ears look like. Honestly, they're the strangest looking things ! I can't get this out of my head. Seriously bothering. They're like... kind of malformed looking nasty appendages. Bah, ears are so strange.

- Noora

19. Aug 2010

Jesus, is it really 19th of August already ? My days are slipping away. I've been watching movies like crazy - they give me loads of inspiration towards my own life (well, at least the good ones). There's plenty of shit in the movie business as well. I kinda like being alone. It makes me more focused and thoughtful. I feel like i'm thinking straighter, not worrying that much. I always worry a little. I feel like cutting my hair off. I feel like exploring the universe and having a badass bald. But then the question occurs, why am i not doing any of these things ? I guess i'm just too fucking scared. I could be doing lots of different stuff, but i'm not. I'm just not doing anything ! I'm a loser of some sort. Life scares the shit out of me.

I wish i could just stop giving a fuck. Sometimes i wonder if death's at all better ! It's definitely no cure for ignorance. I might even already be dead. This is sure hell not a life that i'm living. I'm a fish out of water, trying to subsist. I guess when things are neither good or bad, it's hard to get them worse or better. Things just are, and there's not much of desire in me to get them moving away from blandness. I guess i'm walking in between of good and bad, not wanting to step to neither one of the sides. There always should be a balance. Deep down inside i know that i just can't reach the one side without having to face the other. I can't take it.

A few days i ago i watched some old pictures of mine. When did life get so fucking serious ? When did i lose my sense of belonging to this human form ? Maybe i'm having some sort of age crisis. I'm not worrying about getting old. I'm not worrying the fact that "living" life is going to kill me someday. I am just worrying of wasting every possibility just because i'm either scared or ignorant. In the worst case scenario - both. There's no one that's going to kick my fucking ass for me and even if there was, it probably wouldn't help. Oh well, life's for learning and learning is for life. Or something spectacular awesomeness i wouldn't understand.

Yeah well. I should eat.

- Noora

15. Aug 2010

+ New song added to music.

12. Aug 2010

+ Loads of new pics added to Photo/Misc 2010.

I must praise one of my favourite Silverchair albums of all time, and i'll do it exactly right now ! The album's called "Diorama", and it rocks my balls. It's so good it makes me sick. I feel like my insides are turning upside down when i'm listening to it. Pure perfection. If you, whoever the fuck you might be, haven't checked it out yet and don't have a clue what Silverchair is - be a man and check it out yourself. It won't disappoint you, i promise. It can't. The feelings it gives me are unexplainable. Out of this world super chills running down my spine maaaaan. It's been a few years since i've listened to this awesomeness, and now that i do, it just overwhelms me. Wow, amazing.

- Noora

11. Aug 2010

Singing has become more and more difficult for me the older i'm getting. I feel like maintaining a great pitch is much harder than what it was when i was a kid, and everything i puke sounds either average or weak. I'm not panicing over it, but it kind of makes me wonder about..stuff. I guess my lack of technique starts to show and my voice is losing its strength. No wonder, i've never taken any lessons and i proly should start opening my voice before i proceed to the action itself. I think i'm just one of those lazy singers who are too tired to do anything about their lack of skillz. I can sing, but sometimes there's no control over what comes from my mouth and it frustrates me. When i was 12-15 years old i could just explode mountains with my voice (or at least that's how i felt back then). I'm definitely not any better now - i'm worn and old.

My attitude about singing and music has changed too. When i was younger, those were the only things i could ever think of and i was full of determination towards music and my life around it. I've abandoned a lot of that determination and focus just to feel less worried and anxious and stressed and shit. Now that i suck at it, i'm trying to just let it go. Who gives a shit, and if my voice is going down permanently, i will come up with something else to do with my throat. Hmmm... Yep. Anyhow, sometimes there's better years and sometimes there's worse what comes to my voice. But i've been struggling with it for about two years now. I don't know what's going on, but it just doesn't sound or feel right. It's wobbly.

I used to identify myself as a singer and when i didn't do well as i practiced at home, i just felt like i failed as a human being. I still sometimes think like that focused and self-critical little girl. I'm trying to get rid of it though. My singing doesn't identify me, it's not who i am. It's what i do, but it's still not me. I am not a singer. Self-critisism will proly stay as long as i live, but that's a good thing. I try to avoid being attached to things that could disappear any moment. I try not to be attached to life.

Sometimes i see myself more attached to death than life itself. I don't think that it's good either way, so i'm trying to get over both of them. I'll need to learn how to be. That's the center of human essence. To be or to be bee. Or somethings. Brains are deceitful. I'm still reading like a crazy book reading monster. I didn't remember that reading could be this much of fun.

I'm probably going to the woods now to experience some spiritual recovery. Life is a bitch and boys have balls unless they've been castrated. Yep. Genius lives in me.

- Noora

06. Aug 2010

I hate myself for being so scared all the time. Everyday i go through catastrophic "what if" situations in my head just so i'd know how to handle them if they'd occur. It's exhausting, but i'm never conscious enough to let them go. They're feeding my anxiety. Sometimes i even start to feel anxious because it has disappeared for a short period of time. Being at ease with myself is painful. It's the hardest thing IN TEH WORLD OF CONSPIRACY.

I don't know what is the cure for my condition. Antidepressants suck big time, they have no use whatsoever (unless you want to become a reluctant dry ass zombie. Now that i put it that way - it sounds kind of cool.) Being creative or focused in something kind of helps at times, but it's always very volatile. I would love to feel free without constantly trying to do something to get rid of it. For example, i'd love to be freed from anxiety when i'm spending time with the ones i care for. I'm always uncomfortable. Except when i poop. No, really. It's great. I guess my life doesn't suck that much after all !

I guess my vegetarian life kind of makes me lose weight too much. I don't eat nearly as much as i should, so i kind of weigh 43 kilos right now. That really sucks, since on my """"fattest"""" i've weighed something like 50 kilos. Now i'm just one tiny piece of shit of what i used to be. Would love to be bigger. Not huge, but a bit bigger. Some douche wind is proly going to grab my ass and throw me up to a tree where i'd spend the rest of my life regretting the underweight existence of mine. God, give me mass. Give me balls. Give me ass. Uuuumm, yeah...

I'm really quick-witted in my mind but when it comes to being that in this reality - i'm really the opposite. I'm nervous and shy. Too nice and polite too. I never say what i want to say when i have the chance of saying it. I just can't puke the shit out of me when it's needed. I always think what i should've said after the situation is already dead and gone. It's really frustrating, because it does me a lot of injustice. I'm always swallowing my own sperm. Words. Yeah, words. There has been millions and millions of times in my life when i've felt like screaming "FUCK YOU, YOU SHINING BUCKET FULL OF COW PEE" on the top of my voice because of someone full of shit. I've never really had the guts to do it. People have always thought that i'm somehow "mature", but it's really not that. I'm a coward. Cow ward. Always been. It's not like i don't have courage in me, because i do. It's all fucked up because i'm shit scared all the time.

Haha, when i was a kid(der) (ok, last year), i used to listen to bands like Meshuggah to feel more powerful. That kind of worked and i felt all superior for a while. Okay, i still do it ! I admit it. It works all the time. Fuck my ass. No, don't. (While watching the overall look of this text, can't help but think some 5-year old has written it. MY MOTHER HAS A PAIR TESTCLES CAPSLOCK.) I'm an everlasting kiddo from outer space. Yep, yep.

- Noora

04. Aug 2010

I finished composing a new song for the (yet untitled) album i'm currently working on. Compared to the "Ministry of Despair", the new song is totally fucking gay. I really like it though, it'll probably be fun to sing to. I'm not hurrying with it, but tomorrow i'll start mixing some of the instruments. Wasn't too happy about how "Ministry of Despair" came out production wise, but maybe i'll do better this time. I really hate my microphone. My mic stand is full of shit too and completely useless because it's kinda broken to pieces. It's my own fault - i was violent with it once. I'm glad duct tape has been invented, without it i could not live. If someone's rich and reading this, plz send me your money. I could use some. I'm nice and really creative with money ! Eh. Yes. Moneeeeeeh.

I thought the summer was already gone, but i was so wrong. Man, i'm finished sweating my ass off 24/7. My dog's dying too. We could really use some winter right now. Fall could do it also. I've been reading books like some..book reading...maniac ! Yeah. This is how boring my life is. Boring. Porridge. Hmmm.

- Noora

01. Aug 2010

+ 2 new pictures added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

30. July 2010

It's pretty much the end of July, the most heat fucked up month of the year. I'm happy to see it end. Yeah, i know the nature is really beautiful this time of year and all, but it's definitely not the best time for me. Although, i have been going out all the time lately for some unknown reason. I'm kinda tanned (which, in my case means, less white). It's exotic. I wish i would've had the inspiration for nature photographs, but i guess next month will be better for that. Anyhow, this month has been a rollercoaster ride for me mentally, but i guess in some ways i've felt i've been improving more than ever too. I really feel like i'm growing up ! By the time i'm 20, i'm proly shitting my pants and drowling all over the place for being so old. Yeah, that's probably how things will be. Really looking forward of that.

So yeah, i'm composing new music and doing other creative stuff on a daily bases. I don't feel much pressure coming out of myself and that makes me focus better. I'm not in hurry to be the best musician i can be. You can't really hurry in things like these anyway. It'll happen eventually, everything in life needs time. I've also started writing a blog about my dog and me, it's in finnish. I noticed that after writing/communicating everything in english, i started forgetting about how to speak/write finnish properly. The thing is, i've never spoken fluent finnish because it takes too much of the focus i don't have. You know, i can't speak shit. Also, living in Finland with no one to communicate with kinda eats my ability to speak the language well. I can speak dog and i'm learning how to speak man too, but i've clearly forgotten how to communicate in finnish. I've always been kind of bad in it anyway. Speaking is really hard. I'm glad i can yodel.

I'm trying to concentrate on evolving my art and getting my mental issues cleared by writing here at times. Writing about my dog's life makes me feel really refreshed and inspired, because in some ways it let's me get out of myself. I'm also somewhat an animal nut. I'm not obsessed about pets, but i really love most of these little creatures in the world and as proven - they make great friends. Much better than any human being can ever be. I love my friends, and my friend's are hairy.

The Gathering is a great band. I didn't enjoy their music a couple of years back, but after Anneke released her first solo album (which is awesome btw) i really started listening them and realized that they're great too ! I heard Anneke sing in some Ayreon's albums, but for some weird reason i wasn't impressed back then. But now, i really get it. Fuck yey, it works for me ! So, if someone's reading this (accidentally or deliberately), check them out. They have a quite new singer in their band, but i think she does a great job as well. Oh yeahs.

- Noora

24. July 2010

+ New song added to Music.

I finally finished the song i had been working on, too long, anyway. I didn't feel like finishing it at all, until today something changed and i kinda did it accidentally. I grabbed my balls with my hands and squeezed them hard until there was no other choice but to finish up that piece of magnificent shit. Yeah, i know it's kind of depressing song and all but i kinda felt like that when i first started it, soooo... My hormones and misanthropic tendency ? The best inspirational sources i have nowadays. I guess i love human beings so much that i can't take it. I rather avoid and hate them. Haha, i wish it worked that way. I fucking love everyone anyway. You're full of shit but i FUCKING LOVE YOU PEOPLEZ. Ah, i make myself sick. :---) Yep, let's cut the crap and make something useful out of ourselves. Bybye.

- Noora

22. July 2010

Heeeeey. I'm finally sleeping normally again ! It's pretty cool. We've also watched four seasons of Lost in the past week; not addicted or anything. It's much better than what i remembered. I'm not pregnant and life's ok. Nemo is great and the weather's not nearly as hot as it was few days ago. Or week. It's a time for yey, i assume.

I haven't hurried up finishing the song i'm working on. It'll be ready sometime. Maybe. I saw a dream few days back where someone shouted "MOOMIN COSTUME" and immediately after that, i woke up. It was kind of...strange. Oh, and i found my glasses ! I can see EVERYTHING. Yeah...Yep. I seem to lack a story to tell. Hmmm.. Haven't pooped today yet. Defecation is important. Remember to poop.

To be honest, the only reason why i wanted to write today was because i wanted to rememeber that "MOOMIN COSTUME" thing in the future. It was actually pretty scary experience ! Someone shouts inside my own head, in the middle of the night, so fucking loud that i wake up to it. It's scary shit. Especially because it was about Moomins. They're freaking me out.

Boys are asleep. I'll do some laundry. Maybe today i'll finish up the song. I could.

- Noora

20. July 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

18. July 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Misc 2010.

14. July 2010

My day starts at 10.00 PM. I'm trying hard to change my sleeping rhythm. Slowly but surely it'll happen. I hope. This kind of sucks in some ways. I'm also having some sort of paranoia about being pregnant. I'm probably just getting fat. Or who knows, maybe i have an alien embryo inside my womb. I don't know, haven't made any tests yet. This is probably just my "summer pregnancy paranoia caused by the extraordinary bullshit heat". I've had it before. I think i have some sort of false pregnancy going on. I do talk to my stomach at times. Sometimes it even answers me. Hunger, you know. "FOOOOD PLZ". Sometimes i pretend that Sami's head is a massive baby which i need to take care of. Not saying his head is huge ! Nope... Having a child would be kind of weird at this point in my life. So... If there's a dude inside my holy place, you couldn't have chosen a better time ! I'd have approximate nine months to grow up and be ready for motherhood... What the fuck am i even writing ! Yeah, it's the heat. Definitely.

I sang today and it felt pretty good. Haven't had sung anything in the past couple of weeks. We've been searching for new apartment, but the ones we've found have either been too expensive or located in the bullshit area. Well, i guess we just need to keep on searching.

I saw a dream where some dude with blonde hair repeated the numbers 10 and 11. It was really freaky because he wouldn't stop repeating these number and even after i had woken up and fallen asleep again, i was back in this dream. I saw plenty of other weird dreams, but they are too hard to describe. Dreams are very important to me, i've always seen very vivid ones. I've even experienced premonitions, and i'm not even bullshitting here ! I guess it has something to do with experiencing time warp. Haha, just kidding. Not. Before i started composing my first songs for "Noradrenaline", i was either going to buy a new guitar + the gear i needed, or keyboard and go with it. I wasn't sure what i wanted, so i decided to see what my dreamworld would offer. I knew i would see a dream about it the next day, because that's how it has worked in the past. I ask for something i'm not sure of and my dreams will tell me what to do. So, i saw a dream about it. I was in a music store surrounded with keyboards. Actually, the whole store was a store for keyboards only. Yeah, and that was the dream. It only lasted a few seconds, or so it seemed, but after that i was sure about my direction. I knew where i needed to go with myself. I used to play guitar, you know. I was really bad in it. I was worse than the guy i hated who played guitar. That guy sucked. Really, really bad. I really liked playing guitar, it's a shame that it didn't make me a good player. Oh well, i just wasn't focused enough. It wasn't my passion. You could say i'm sort of paranoid and superstitious. I surely am. But there's more to it.

Everything's ok. I hope i'm able to photograph my niece soon, she's almost 6 months old ! Jesus Christ, time just flows. Our Perceptions. Mmm. The hardest but the most important part in writing is the ending. I don't know how to end things. Well enough, at least. The same goes with composing music. If your song's ending sucks, it could ruin the whole thing. I want to be a good "ender" in life. Everything will end sometime, i want to do it the right way. But before that happens, i'm getting something to eat. (Ha, yep. My endings suck.)

- Noora

08. July 2010

I have to write about this dream i had today. I remember several other dreams too, but this one was definitely the best. There was a group of random people (some of them my old school mates) somewhere in the middle of a forest to be split into a three different categories/groups. The groups (categories, whatever the fuck) were named: "The ones who are physically attractive", "The ones who are average in everything" and "the ones who are.. well, nerds". In my lack of understanding it seemed like a good idea ! All of my school mates were either put into the "physically attractive" or the "average in everything" cast. There was a lot of random people there splitting into different groups, most of them were strangers to me. I was one of the last ones to be placed in. I had no idea where i belonged, and i was kind of worried that i wouldn't belong anywhere. But then, all of a sudden someone shouted: "let's put that girl into THAT group" and pointed at the nerds. Oh yeahs ! There i was, standing in a row with overweight and seriously nerdy dudes with incipient mustaces and glasses on. After a while of wondering what the fuck was going on, i knew that this indeed is the right group for me. I am mentally an overweight 30 year old nerdy dude, and it's okay ! There's no other way i'd feel more comfortable. I was happy to find myself among these stinky bastards and soon after that i woke up. I am not one of those good looking people, not average, but a NERD. It's cool.

Since i figured that none of these social networks are really the right places for me, i have tried to minimize communication with random people through the internets. Human beings have a habit of (unconsciously or not) throwing their negative vibes all over the place by simply sharing this reality. I don't take bullshit. There is always much better use for my time. Creativity is one of my main priorities in life, bullshitting is simply out of my area of interest. I believe that everyone has the potential to be more than a bullshitter, but yet so few has the courage to be that. So, FUCK YOU and LET'S HAVE A HUG.

I feel good. I woke up 08.00 PM after 12 hours of sleep. It's okay. I started mixing the new song i made and soon i'll start working on the vocals. It'll probably change quite a lot after the vocs. We'll see. I have no fucking idea what i'm doing, as usual, but it sounds pretty good to me. Ha.

- Noora

06. July 2010

I slept the whole day out of existence, again. I must admit that my dream life is 100 % more interesting than my current real life. I've learnt how to sleep even when i am not particularly tired. Escapism ? Might be, although the past few days i've been more asleep than awake. My dream state has become my reality. It's not frightening, just something i'm going through right now. I'm not stressed about the fact that my life will completely pass me by. That's what life does anyhow. There's just a bunch of different ways to use the time in between. Sleeping is definitely not very productive, but it is somewhat comforting. It's the only state where i'm free from my anxiety.

The time i spend awake, i'm either out with my boys or composing music. Yeah, i started something new again. Oh and sometimes i just spend hours listening music while staring at this screen. Then i work out. Read. Write. Sleep... Our apartment stinks like camel's ass and it's way too hot out there to do anything. We normally go out when it's either 03.00 AM or 22.00 PM, or anytime it's cooler. Sami likes heat, i hate it, Nemo is too fluffy & black for it. Our bad ass nigga.

Hmmm. Hmmm.

- Noora

02. July 2010

Sami left to play a gig in Turkey. He'll be back later this week. I feel very strange. What is right, what is wrong, where do i belong ? Ah, my life's a poem. Nemo smells quite bad. I'm always writing when it smells bad in here. No wait, it ALWAYS smells bad in here ! I guess there's not much else in my life. It's better than nothing, right ?

I don't know. It's like, the more i know the less i want to know but i never stop knowing what i've known and i'll always continue the painful research to know more. For fuck sakes, no more knowing more ! Sometimes i don't even want to know, but i'm curious as shit and the flame within never stops burning (my hairy arse). Ignorance would be bliss. I'm just not that type of a girl. Sometimes being a human with its ups and downs makes me want to puke presidents from my ears. We're disgusting race without any idea of anything. Oh yeahs, we have our theories. They'll do as long as another big theory has been invented to prove all the previous ones wrong. We're all stupid naive fucks. FUCK US ALL. RAGE.

Human beings do interest me at some level, but when i really get to know somebody, it normally turns out to be a huge disappointment. Too much of narrow mindness and stupidity. I probably despise everyone because i see the same shit in myself. "The only ones that we should care for, are the ones that we are here for." Sometimes even that is hard to do. I know i've been writing about this shit too many times, but i haven't come into satisfying conclutions yet. I'm still wondering if there is more people out there trying to make sense of it all. What ? 7 billion ? But like, really stepping out of the box in doing so. Maybe ?

I'm not hopeless, just confused. My view in life changed dramatically in the year of 2007. I had some sort of "awakening" which blew my fucking brains out. That's the reason for my own stupidity. No activity in there. Anyway, after that i was utterly changed. Completely. I don't even think anyone who i'm close with knows how fucked up i am from within. The things that goes on in my mind aren't something i think my relatives (or anyone i know) would accept or understand. That's why i keep it all inside. I don't even write about them, because it seems pointless. Although, Sami has some idea of my "inner worlds" and Nemo proly knows in his omniscience. I feel like after that "awakening" period, i've unconsciously tried to suffocate myself spiritually. All that i've come up to and felt has been too much to take in this moment of my existence. Still, everyday i am yearning for more. I'm never going to be the same again.

I have problems.

Oh, i almost forgot ! We're playing Crysis with Sami. It roooolz.

- Noora

01. July 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

30. June 2010

+ New song added to Music.

I finished the song. Ignis. I really like it. I'm super tired and i have no inspiration what so ever left in me. I don't think i've had any in a long while. The thing is; i can be productive without inspiration but it's not the best way to achieve good results. I'm still pretty ok with what i've made this year. I've learnt a lot, but now i'm just floating inside this lifeless and exhausted human body. It's okay, and i'm mostly okay too. Is there anything i would want to do now that i'm pretty much out of ideas artistically ? I really don't know. If i'm going to take a break (a REAL break) in creating music, i'd be floathing in nothingness pretty fast. Music fills my days. I would love to create all the fucking time, but i don't want to create something i've already made.

I'd probably enjoy singing in a band. It's a shame that 99 % of all the musicians in our country suck some major arse. Even if they'd play okay, there's always something wrong with them mentally. Alcoholics, idiots, narcissist, withdrawn non communicating weirdos. Yeah, i'm one of them. Shame.

The internets has started to really annoy me too. It's all bullshit, just like my attitude right now. I haven't ever been this clueless in my life. I used to follow my intuition. I used to KNOW what i needed to do. I'm not alive, just breathing. I'm probably not doing music for the right reasons anymore. Maybe it's just something i do to fill the void. Then again, everything in life seems to be more or less like that. Let's fill our voids with potatoes. I really like writing potatoe. It's a funny word. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, so tired.

- Noora

28. June 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Misc 2010.

A drunken neighbour dude complained about Nemo, surprise surprise. Yeah, he barks. He is a dog. Eat my imaginary balls or get used to it. I slept three (?) hours last night. I feel kind of dull. Haven't finished up the song i was talking about. I don't feel like doing anything. In fact, i feel like being a boy. I'm tired of being stepped on. I'm too nice ! I could've just verbally beaten the fuck out of that impotent piece of shit, but instead i was just POLITE AND NICE. I'm really fucking tired of being nice. Being polite is the fakest form of human communication. Kids, don't be polite. Be honest. This was a good example of how not to behave in situations such as i experienced today. Then again, sometimes being nice is the worst thing you can do. Not sure if it was right in this occasion though. Even if we didn't have a dog, they'd come up with new things that are immensely bothering. Loud sex, singing, death metal, my ass. The list goes on.

I'm no longer a "jobseeker" in the employment agency. They kind of kicked me out. Understandable, i would've never gone to work anyway. There's more to life. The sun is shining. Nothing's worth it. Nothing in this world is worth the stress and anxiety. It all goes away. It might seem like a long time, but it ain't. Just a gob of bullshit in a floting rock which could be over any second. We're all just backteria having an identity crisis.

I need something to keep me up for a couple of hours. Tea could do it.

- Noora

26. June 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Misc 2010.

19. June 2010 / Where is my spirituality ?

18. June 2010

I started recording a new song pretty much after i had released the "MacGyver In Space" thingy. I think every musician should dedicate at least one song to MacGyver in their lifetime. Honestly, that guy has done so much ! He deserves all of our admiration. Our songs. Everything. To me, MacGyver is more than a fictional character. He is THE universal hero. FUCK YEAH HE IS. (The song i made for him isn't that great, but at least i made a song ! Yey.)

The song i'm currently working on is actually pretty good ! So far, at least. It's interesting. It has a powerful beat structure and atmosphere. I enjoy stuff like that. Composing a song is like baking a cake. Sometimes it is a brilliant success, sometimes an utter mess. Hey, that rhymes. Cool. Anyway, we'll see how it'll turn out. It's a shame that i'm probably the only one ever hearing it, eh. That's what you get when you do what you want. Public interest = Zero. Then again, it would probably be really weird if there was many people actually listening to my music. Too much pressure, i guess. I couldn't even pee without feeling awkward about it. And if people would really like what i do (and me being conscious about it), i would probably be a dick pretty fast. It happens to everyone. I'd rather be the "less dick" that i am. Or something. I am somewhat a dick.

Next week i'll have an appointment (again) in the employment agency and it stresses me out. I try my best not to feel stressed about it, but it seems to be impossible. The thing i hate the most is explaining myself to someone who knows absolutely nothing about me or my background. It's like talking to a wall with a drawn face in it. Even if i told i've had this and that in the past and how things are now, they're all just empty computer people writing things down, trying to eliminate my soul with their "musts" and "can'ts". They don't really give a shit, and why would they ? It's just their work. They don't really want to help (the ones i've met, anyway). They're just doing what they've been told. And they need the money. Somehow i sense massive superiority radiating through some of those people who work in places like that. It's like they feel good because i am struggling with my existence. Like they're above me. Better than me. "Oh you poor human being, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO SO YOU'LL LIVE NEXT MONTH." Please, go fuck yourself.

Things would be a lot easier if i just obeyed, but that's something i never do unless it comes naturally. It nearly never does. Well, i shouldn't be worried. It helps absolutely nothing. I just hate situations like that. Hmmm, oh yes i do.

- Noora

16. June 2010

+ New song added to Music.

The hardest thing in life is to not be stressed about the future. I guess living in the moment is one of the biggest difficulties in human existence. I believe the roots for this problem lies in the way the society is built. It doesn't support the idea of living peacefully in the now, because everything is structured to make you anxious and stressed about your physical existence in the future. I've always been more or less neurotic to the bone and i've had thoughts of chaos and catastrophe since the early childhood. Even though i've programmed myself to be this way, i've still always believed that all of this is going to change. Drastically. And i've learnt that this "change" in me has slowly started to take place. Now. The time i've taken for myself (three years ?) has been absolutely necessary. I still feel like i need much more time to grow. I am just a restless child from within. I want to learn to be my own shelter and i want to be proud of who i am. When i was born, i was full of possibilities. And although i thought that had somehow changed, i was all wrong. I'm still a one living infinite possibility. Everyone is. It will never change. I need to get my power back. POWER RANGERS !

I've felt much better than what i had in mind when Sami left. I guess i haven't had much time for despair. He will come back. And i will bake again. I know, i know. The idea is scary, but i absolutely want to bake something. Something like...Bread ! Bread is great. It can't be that hard ! Even if my baking experience was unsuccessful, we'd still have something to laugh at. Oh yeah, we would.

I pooped quite a lot today. In fact, i should be eating something so it would happen again. I don't have much food left. Aaaaw, Nemo took a bite of my papers on the floor. Yeah, i just throw my shit on the floor. "Important" papers and such. Nemo takes care of them. My cuteness. Hmmm. Oh yes, food. I got to get some !

- Noora

13. June 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

12. June 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Misc 2010.

+ New song added to Music.

Oh, silly me. I was still living in May, regarding to my latest blog entries. Well, i must have forgotten. I got too used to the idea of May. Time is overrated. It's June, right ?

I just listened my "old" songs, and i was positively surprised how emotionally affected i was. I smiled and felt really good. Most of the songs are dumb as fuck and simply quite bad, but they still somehow managed to get a smile upon my face (maybe indeed because of that). That's a really good sign. I'm starting to feel like i am the best inspiration source i can get. I don't feel that bad about living the rest of my life with this person. I am pretty ok at times.

I also noticed how much of inspiration i have gained from love. I am full of that thing ! (I am full of shit, too, but not THAT full. There's always a place for love. In my anus.) It's really the biggest thing (no, not talking about my arrrse anymore). I felt love pouring from the songs. Love for everything. Literally, everything. I have probably mentioned how i travel to another place when i compose songs, and that's indeed what has been happening ! I have travelled to love. This doesn't make sense to many, but to me it's clear as a bottle of piss. When i record songs and sing and all that stuff, i am not in this reality. It's not like i'm in a trance or some shit, but i have no memory of the time when i have been composing music. There has been many times when i have made a song without remembering anything about how it came into place (like, the next day i made that song). I'm in a different place with myself when i do creative stuff. There's no time or limits in that place. It's a place of pure creativity, love, horses and all those lovely things. It's proly pretty common with people who are involved with creative work. It's really funny, and kind of mystical.

I should be snoring already, but again, i am too scared of going to bed. I am really afraid of sleeping at nights. This is kind of new thing. I usually wait until it's something like 04.00 AM. I'm kind of neurotic. Just, weally weally afraid. I am seriously paranoid. I think it's safer to sleep when it's 04.00 AM or more. Isn't this just really fucked up ? I guess this is the way i handle my anxiety. Doens't really look good, huh. I have days of pure joy, but this anxiety does not disappear. It is, even when i am feeling SUPER AWESOME. Hmmm, well. Well.

Complete black out. I probably had nothing. Later !

- Noora

10. June 2010

+ Two new pictures added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

08. June 2010

I just watched The Sex And The City movie (the first one, i assume there's two out there already ?) out of pure curiosity and i thought it was absolutely horrifying and disgusting. No wonder that most of the girls in our society are braindead fucking idiots ! Does anyone ever quostion ANYTHING ? Is that what we want ? What is important nowadays ? This is bullshit. Materialistic, vain, stupid, fucking, ass. I am not furious about this, i am just completely devastated where the world is heading and where it IS already. We're dumbing ourselves down. We should be more than this. Okay, okay. It was just a movie, but i know so many girls that are actually identical to those bitches and who actually aim for that kind of life that we saw in the movie. I'm not saying i know anything about what is good for others, but i know that it was the stupidest movie among the other eight million stupidest fucking movies out there. What a limited sense of reality ! There must be more. Really, there's got to be. I know for sure, there is a lot more for me, and in the end, we're all the same. We're all children in the made-up adult's world. I am exhausted.

After you have watched a movie like that, it kind of makes you think of how everything can be and is even more fucked up "in the big world". I guess it's hard not to be affected by your surroundings, by other people, by the huge amount of advertisement and other shit you're constantly observing. It's hard to be aware and conscious because you're constantly been fed a life of utopia, hedonism and materialistic joy. There's nothing wrong with that kind of life in general, it's just that there is more. I don't think most of us really ever search for alternatives. We just want to take the easiest road. Everything around us affects us. In fact, i would probably be one of those bitches in the movie if i would've experienced a punch of other crap and not the crap i did experience (and still do). Then again, thinking is bad for you and especially for the society, so just keep on eating the pie ! Pies can be nasty. (Could be that after this useless blog entry every The Sex And The City fanatic in the world wants to kill me for being such a frumpy lesbian from outer space, but i guess i just need to take that. This is my website after all.) (And nobody ever visits anyway, so HAIL HITLER.)

I should be sleeping, but well i am not. Instead i'm letting my brain tentacles do a bit more of work, which means i will basically just be sitting in the computer chair trying not to fall asleep. It's a hell of a lot of work. <--- That sentence looks really weird.

- Noora

05. June 2010

Sami left yesterday. He'll be back later this month. I already miss him. I haven't continued composing new music, somehow doesn't feel right. I guess i'm taking a break. We'll see how long it'll last this time. Haven't slept very well either, i'm quite anxious at nights. A few days ago i saw a dream where i was drowning on little insects. I could feel them inflating my lungs. Yep, nice.

My life lacks colours. Although it's summer and all, i feel quite dead and bland. I'm not lonely, at least not directly. I'm just an empty page. I don't know what should i do with myself. I don't have any certain direction where i'd like to go. There's no need. But it's ok, in the end. Maybe i should start reading books about mythology like it was suggested in my dream the other night. I could honestly do pretty much anything.

I should proly take Nemo out before it gets dark. That little bastard taking it easy. Mmmm. Well, here we go. Maybe tomorrow is a bit clearer day.

- Noora

02. June 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Misc 2010.

30. May 2010

I'd like to make some singing covers again. Lately i've tried to sing some songs from artists and bands i like, but everything that comes from my ass (=mouth) sounds utterly confusing and just ..shit. I'm not relaxed enough and the fact that concentrating is impossible in our current apartment, i fail all the time. Or maybe i'm just a failure. :<

Hayley Williams took a picture of her titties. Come on human beings, it's like we've never seen tits before. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I thought that was absolutely great ! Made me feel more connected with the world. I'm seemingly not the only one who photographs her own boobies. Actually, this whole incident made me like Paramore even more ! TITS OR GTFO. "Oh, but she's a Christian." God will probably punish her and she'll burn in the depths of hell. Erm.. No ? Get on with your lives people, they're JUST HERE TO FEED OUR CHILDREN (AND FOR TEH INTERNETS). If you absolutely can't live through this catastrophe, then i guess you'll have to discuss with your Jesus friend and ban tits from this reality. Forever. They do kill people and contaminate the atmosphere of our planet, right ? I'm totally ok with tits. Vaginas are ok too. My relatives are ok.

I feel like i'm still floating around, not really sure what i'm here for. I'm not neurotic about "finding a place", because wherever i'll go, i'll always be here in my head. I can't escape myself, i just have to deal with this shit as it occurs. I shouldn't be so vulnerable and scared all the time. Couple of days ago i laughed so hard i started crying. I was watching some interview of Weird Al Yankovic and just totally lost it. I've never laughed so much in my life, it was fucked up. I wish i'd do that more often. It was really great. I don't want to become one of those robots, acting upon the orders and laws without questioning anything. Infact, i don't really want to ever become professional, left brain smart adult, serious, rich, you, your mother or God's child. I really just want to be and experience.

I broke my microphone stand, and that kind of sucks. There's 0,86 euros on my bank account, and that's okay. I actually feel much freer when there's no money at all. I wish i could fly.

- Noora

27. May 2010

We've bored each other to death for two years now. Shitballs and I. Feels like much more time has passed, but well. Would be weird if he wouldn't be. I just love that old maggot. Happy anniversary to us !

I hate those mentally challenged people who say "you can't" because they themselves can't BECAUSE of their limited sense of reality. Swim in your own shit, but don't tell me i can't. That's just pure bullshit there. Fucks ! Have you ever asked yourself why exactly something cannot be done ? Most of the "can't"s are in your programmed mind. Everything IS possible, if you only allow it to be. What i'm saying is, either reprogram yourself or SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Penguins are badass ! I think they have some real awesomeness going on in there. I saw a dream where i wrestled with some random teenage boys. It was really cool, because i won all the time. I also saw a dream where Devin Townsend was my friend and we ran around the sports field together. We talked about the universe. Running is nice for 50 m but that's it. Running away fast is necessary, when a rapist is behind you. A rapist is quite rarely your friend unless your friend is a rapist.

Haven't really been outside recently. Everything that interests me is inside these walls. 90 % of that is on my computer. That's just lovely. Although, soon i'll be going for a walk. My dog needs to take a poop. Looks like it's going to rain. That's awesome. Really, it is. I feel loose. I hate the adds in the internets. Especially those which start to play a stupid ass song when you accidentally put your cursor on top of them. I bet millions have died for a heart attack because of those idiotic adds ! Fuck you. I just farted and this STINKS.

- Noora

24. May 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Misc 2010.

+ New song added to Music.

22. May 2010

About a year ago i released my first album called "Wanderer" and that is quite fucked up. A year ? What ? More like ten years, it feels. Everything was so unsure and hectic inside me at that time. Still is in so many ways, but i feel like i have moved forward significantly and life has gotten easier because of the growth that has taken place. It feels weird though. Haven't really had time to listen what i have made since i've composed a song after a song, constantly without a real break. I'm not complaining ! It's pretty amazing. I did not know i had this much of shit inside me wanting to be released. It's great ! I am such a huge pile of shit.

I'm composing and recording new material at the moment, sur-fucking-prise ! Electronish again, feels quite right. I saw a dream few days ago about me composing a black metal album in the near future ! It will happen for sure. Honestly, there's no doubt about it. I've always wanted to make a metal album. BUT, before i take that challenge, i really have to learn how to make good sounds. It will happen, too. I hate those metal bands with shitty sounds and horrible stuffy guitars, vacuous songs and annoying egoistic musicians with no talent. Fuck you all. (Haha, i have a problem.)

Anyway, life is pretty good. Summer with its heat doesn't feel that bad anymore either, everything comes and everything goes. I've also noticed that i actually like reading books ! Maybe i was just traumatized by school. Yeah, i was, definitely. I don't know about tomorrow, but hell with it. It doesn't even exist. Now i'm going to eat because eating is awesome.

- Noora

18. May 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010 and a few more to Photo/Misc 2010.

17. May 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Misc 2010.

16. May 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

15. May 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Misc 2010 and Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

14. May 2010

+ New song added to Music.

The summer's finally here, and it sucks some major ass ! The heat, the people, the "Sami being away" part. I just want to hide myself from everything. The only place i can spend some time alone is the forest near our apartment. I always seem to wait for the summer (especially at winters), but it always disappoints me when it has arrived. It happens every year. "YEY SUMMER !" "No wait, SHIT." I'll probably just compose my ass off the whole time the sun shines on me. I love the rain. That's the only part i enjoy experiencing in the summer. It's special. The scent of it is out of this world. I like when it's not too warm. Summer nights are great, too. Ok, maybe it's not about the summer, it's just the heat. It sucks. And the fact that Sami will be away, is probably going to suck too. He will be missed. My dog's overprotecting me and can't spend much time alone. I will be there for him. We're probably going to have fun in the forest together.

I'm reading David Icke's new book. It's interesting ! Thought-provoking. I'm surprised that i actually bought a book. It's something i never do. I had an urge. It arrived couple of days ago. The book. The urge arrived a bit earlier. Hmmm. I have lost my glasses and i can't see shit. Oh well, shit happened to my eyes. I never knew my life would be the way it is now. I guess i am not very smart. But instead of being someone who is considered being smart, i am a goat.

- Noora

10. May 2010

Oh boy, oh boy. People are so dramatic. Everybody wants to be right. Everyone wants to argue. Constant crisis all fucking time. Hmmm. My honest opinion = fuck that shit. No wonder nobody gets anything done. Everyone's always complaining and arguing with each other about the stupidest things in the world. I've wasted too much time for that same futility. I've started to consciously change my way of thinking and the way i communicate with people around me. The fewer i know, the more harmonious i seem to be within. And the ones i do care about deserve my best behaviour and unconditional love. It's not their fault that i've fucked things up in my life. It's an honour to have their support and understanding. It's never self-evident and it shouldn't be taken for granted.

When i was a kid i used to lie all the time. I yearned for approval and lied about, well, pretty much everything. I felt bad, and i understood that i was in deep shit after doing so, but i didn't quite realize why i was doing it. Of course, nowadays things are a bit more clear. I wanted to be better than what i was, so i came up with massive fucking shit stories about things that never happened (but obviously would have, and kind of did in my massive fucking head). I lied to my friends, my family. Everyone i cared for, and even if i didn't care, oh well, i lied anyway haha shit. I was trying to be someone interesting and someone worth caring for. I was so scared of rejection. I lied to the people at school who bullied me, too. I used to tell them that i do karate and i will kick their asses if they're trying to kick mine after school. Well, that was just my hilarious defence system and it worked, my bullies kind of pooped their pants. I was really an ugly girl. I used to dream of being an adult, beautiful and confident. I always wanted to be an adult. Now that i'm supposedly an adult, i must say that THIS STILL FUCKING SUCKS. Well nooo. Well yeeees.

I really hated the kids at my school the whole time i went there. Even the ones who were pretty nice to me at times. I always thought they were stupid and naive, incomprehensible douchebags. When i started junior high, i remember wanting to beat the shit out of everyone who went there. Obviously never would've done it in real life, i'm not into violence. Only in my head, eh. Now that i am officially a bum, i feel freer than ever. I don't really hate anyone, i don't really know many, but instead i have some sort of churning peace inside me and a bit more wider (ass) understanding about myself. I'm not afraid to be myself, at all, and it's okay ! I'm not dead, yet. Solitude supports sincerety. Authenticity is the most important character in a human being. And yet so rare.

My newest album "Norepinephrine" is finished. I have mixed feeling about it. The Production part sucks, that i know. The compositions, i don't really know ! Nothing life changing but i wouldn't puke on them either. Just something i kind of expected of me. Ten years from now, i'll probably cry onions. I saw a dream where the singer guy from Meshuggah wanted to be my boyfriend but said that i had exactly 40 minutes to choose either to be with him, or with Sami. I chose Sami. NO SHIT. They're both balds.

- Noora

06. May 2010

+ New song added to Music.

+ New picture added to Photo/Misc 2010.

03. May 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

02. May 2010 / If you don't like what you see here, get the funk out !

Nothing's happening. I'm taking it easy, i'm not in huge pain with myself, i don't feel stressed about life nor do i have any expectations towards it. I am breathing, eating, walking and feeling. That feels good. Life isn't particularly exciting but at least i'm not shitting my pants 24/7 (=the definition for exciting life). I am composing music, evolving in it. My relationship is fine, my dog is fine. I am fine. Extreme (the band) rules. This shit grooves my brains out. It does. Mmmm. At nights i feel very anxious, but that's just because i worry that aliens are going to abduct me while i'm asleep and do experiments on me. Yeah, i'm serious about it. It's not funny. I do have interesting fears though. I think it's fun to jump from thing to another. Carrots are nice, but tough to eat. The color is pretty. Yes.

I saw a dream where some big music business shitpant guru dude told me i was going to be HUGE in ten years. I think he meant my physical size... I must agree on that. Oh, the chocolate... you're the one to blame ! Although, i started working out again yesterday. My tits are hurting me, it was a chest day. I feel powerful when i lift weights. I feel like a guy who beats up people for money. Yep ! But after i have visited the toilet and seen my pathetic spaghettiarms in the mirror, i feel all girl again. Ego brings many cool illusions, but always takes them back when reality strikes.

I saw my niece couple of days ago. She didn't even freak out when i presented my ugly assface to her. I thought that was pretty positive ! She is truly adorable. My sister is such a great mother. Although, the word "mother" feels strange to me. She isn't my mother, now is she ? >_> Everyone grows old so quickly. It's just a word among the others. I am indeed an assface. That's just a nickname, too. It's funny how boobs are so completely misunderstood in the world today. They feed children you know, not your boyfriend. And i bet you can't feed yourself with them either. THEY'RE FUCKING BUILT-IN FOODMACHINES. AWESOME. Although, i think it would be kind of cool to be able to feed yourself with them. "SHIT, the store is closed today. Oh well, i am lucky to own a pair of boobs. *drinks*" YIPPEE !

- Noora

01. May 2010

+ New picture added to both Photo/Self-Portraits and Misc 2010.

28. Apr 2010

+ New song added to music.

26. Apr 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2010.

24. Ape (ahahahahaha wut, i wrote ape WHY THE FUCK) 2010

I feel fucking pathetic when i want to do stuff with people but then realize that i don't know anyone outside my family. I do have a social life in my head. I have a constant dialogue going on in there, but the gay inside gets a bit too discouraging and familiar at times. I don't want to spend time with random braindead idiots (like myself). I don't want to waste time with anyone. I wouldn't get along well with 99 % of the people in the world (well, how the fuck would i know), but i'd enjoy being around with someone outside my current circle. Someone special. A friend ? Maybe ? Someone who wouldn't ask too much of me. Although, i am the one asking too much. Too much work. Too much bullshit. Maybe i want something that i am not. I guess i can't have what i couldn't maintain anyway. It would probably be too exhausting. People suck my (tits) life away. Or so it seems.

I love bread. Bread is awesome. My dog. He rules. One of the greatest things in life is to watch him run free in the forest. It's absolutely breathtaking.The happiness glowing through him is undescribable. He is the light of my life. Now he looks a bit disappointed because i didn't give my bread away. I need to eat sometimes too. He thinks otherwise. I can't have a human friend, he can't have my bread. There's a balance.

- Noora

23. Apr 2010

I just woke up from the coolest dream ever. I was put into a massive torture hall because of serious act of crimes (i still don't know what i did.) The place was full of machines that could easily kill you but would only be used for torture so the person would be traumatized for life but not killed. I was really badass criminal in that dream. I remember walking into that hall with my armypants on, yelling and screaming: "BRING IT ON BITCHES, I CAN TAKE ANYTHING !". Ahahahhaaha, what the fuck. Seriously hilarious.

Anyway, the dude who tortured me was some ex criminal himself who had been hired for the job by the government. He was something like 50 years old, quite thin and actually pretty nice guy. He just liked tortuting and i somehow understood him very well and we were pretty much just talking average stuff while he was beating the shit out of me. So the deal was, if i managed to pass the torture tests with good results, i wouldn't need to go to jail. Oh, and if i refuged to take these tests, they would kill my sister. So, i took the test. I only got to see the first three different phases, because after the last one i wanted to wake up. The first one was pretty easy. I needed to climb some metal tube and sit a while on top of it (it was pretty high). When i was up there, the metal tube turned and got some huge super spikes in it so it would be seriously damaging to get back down. But i did well, and i passed the test.

The torture dude was really proud of me and all, we kind of had a connection. The second toture was some weird "jump the fuck out off that lava shit under you or it will burn you to death". I was in a gage of some sort and i had to move myself forward using my own weight unless i wanted to get scorched. I had to hit myself to the gage walls because after a while doing so, the gage would start moving. So i ran insanely in that gage to get some movement and i did it, got myself away from the lava-area and got out of the gage full of hotness. The lava would've eventually killed me with it's burning abilities, but the torture dude wouldn't have gone that far because he was a torture dude and not a killer dude.

The third torture was the most annoying. After the second one, i asked the torturer "Why are you doing this ?", but i got no answer. He had this huge hose (yes, a hose, not a penis) in his hands and soon he started shooting water at my head with great pressure. It really fucking hurt ! He tied me to a chair and just shot that water and i was drowning. I was trying to tell him that i am drowning, but he wouldn't stop and i couldn't breathe anymore. After this, i woke up. Looks a bit perverted, but it wasn't. Mostly just very interesting. Maybe this torture dude got annoyed because i asked THE QUESTION, and maybe he just wanted to drown me after that. Understandable ! I forgiev you. You would've been kind of too old for me anyway !

- Noora

22. Apr 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Self-Portraits 2009/2008/Older.

20. Apr 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Misc 2010.

18. Apr 2010

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK ! I slept 15 hours again. I slept the whole god damn day ! WHAT A WASTE OF LIFE. This is pure idiocy. I'm such a fucking neglecting piece of shit. I do feel tired quite a bit, because i can't seem to change my "sleeping pattern" (=which is called "a sleeping pattern for any lazy bitch who wants to sleep all fucking day and night") to something useful. The last time i ate something was probably more than 20 hours ago. What the fuckkkkkkkkkk. And i'm not even hungry. This sucks some major fucking cellulite fat ass whore.

Anyway, i also have some sort of age crisis in this moment of my life. Couple of days ago (well, almost) while watching the first season of "That 70's Show" i just started crying because i realized how much time i have lost for the angst bullshit and depression i've had in my life. Hahaha, the irony ! I will never be able to have those moments back from my youth. I was never young when i should've been. We're all getting old, and we're all going to die ! NO SHIT. It's quite depressing to realize that all these fucking years you have not had lived at all. You've just stayed in your own bubble with your unicorns and nintendo 8-bits without even questioning yourself or your acts. (Not like there's anything wrong with unicorns and nintendos, they do kind of rule.) It's easy to be critical and sceptic towards everything that's out there. But man it is so hard to be that to yourself !

So i cried like a baby, then got over it, ate, pooped, slept, woke up annoyed because it was 0800PM and not AM. Haha, that's life i guess. I should probably eat something so this won't happen again any time soon. It's funny how many people just ignore the fact that the body will cease to be at some point. It's like death doesn't exist. We all live this great superficial dream and one day, just by one click; we're all dead and disappeared. Although, i do think death is someway a misunderstood concept. But fuck that shit, i am going to eat.

- Noora

17. Apr 2010

+ New song added to Music.

+ New pictures added to Photo/Misc 2010.

16. Apr 2010

I've had quite a few weird panic attacks lately, mostly at nights. They haven't really been real panic attacks, but something similiar. Very annoying and distressing anyhow. I seem to swell in the 'what if' and not in the moment. I finished composing a new song and started mixing it too, but still everything i create simply disappoints me. I wish i was better in so many ways. Mixing is really tough, i can't seem to find a decent overall sound for the songs. Sami has given me a few pretty good advices though, and they've helped a bit. I feel quite estranged from everything. Nothing feels right, nothing feels wrong. But i still feel pretty good. If i wanted motion, i guess i would've already done something to get it. I guess being still is alright now. But how long, i wouldn't know. I wish i didn't get too used to it though. Life will pass me by. I have seen so little.

Last night i played piano and for the first time in a long while, i felt the honest connection again. Composing music sometimes disconnects me from the music itself and makes me forget why i started doing it in the first place. I just love playing without any planned direction. It might sound shit and i might play the wrong notes in the wrong place, but at least i feel absolutely connected in the moment and to the feelings that flows out of it. I feel attracted to both chaos and order. They are both necessary. Balance is important.

My vegetarian life rocks some hairy balls. I shit like a rabbit on laxatives. It's awesome. Pooping is a joyful experience, that's what i have learnt in the past few days. Yes, it's great. Hopefully, the sun will shine tomorrow. I'd like to take a few frames from the outside. We'll see that.

- Noora

13. Apr 2010

+ Few pictures added to Photo/Older/Self-Portraits.

12. Apr 2010

+ New pictures added to Photo/Misc/2010.

I stopped eating meat. All of a sudden i didn't have any desire towards it, so i stopped. There is no good reason for it, i just followed my intuition. Yeah. I will need to get some vitamins and shit too, but i think it will be pretty good. I have no hard feelings for you meat, i just don't feel like eating you in this period of my life. We had our good moments, and i loved you as long as it felt right. Now i just don't feel like swallowing you anymore. I'm sorry. I hope you will have the best fucking time in someone else's intestines. And i bet there's loads of people out there for you. Goodbye my fleshy friend.

Ah, how nostalgic. I've kind of had pretty good feelings, but i do cry all the time. And i get very upset really easily. I've also shown huge amount of respect for the people i love. Or well, for Sami at least ! Couple of days ago i opened up for him and just puked my appreciation all over the place. I even started crying because i was so emotionally attached to my puke. I think i just meant it so much, i couldn't do it with a straight face. I've let the walls around me fall, because i've notice that they're a mere illusion of my huge dickweed ego. I've just let it slip away. I don't really have much use for that kind of pride.

I enjoy the spring. Took some pictures today. Few of them looked alright. I look like a nun, but i think it fits me. Year is really not a long time. It used to be, though. I think getting older is pretty cool too. I feel stonger every year. The things i thought would make me weak, did the opposite. I've been wrong many times, but each time i've learnt something new. It's important to acknowledge and be aware after all of the stupidity that comes in the way. It's okay to do mistakes, as long as there's some learning happening behind it. And there always is. It's just about memorizing it afterwards. Or is it just about peanuts ?

- Noora

11. Apr 2010

+ New song added to Music.

09. Apr 2010

+ Lyrics added to Music. Just click a song and get involved (or not) to my psychotic lyrical world. They're mostly very embarrasing and just absolutely pointless. Have fun !

08. Apr 2010

My internal dialogue has just increased about 120 % in the past few hours. I honestly feel like everything i have in my mind just screams inside me and it's getting louder. I can hear it much clearer than my own speaking voice. It's spooky. I feel absolutely insane, weird and hyper in a very unpleasant way. I feel cold and i think i'm sick. I'm lonely and out of love. I am devastated and exhausted. Angst angst angst. There's just huge amount of sadness pouring inside me, wanting to get out. This is just insanity compared to the angst i've had before. I'm just wondering how far will this all go ? Is there no end to these feelings of sickness, worry, pain and frustration. How in the name of fuck will i end something i've always had ? I feel like this is just getting worse. How can i improve my awareness and just get the fuck out ? I'm full of negativity, and i'm so sick of it. The worst part is the constant physical pain. My whole body hurts because i'm so tense all the time. Everything changes so quickly from black to white. Couple of weeks ago i was in a state of grace. Now i just feel like i've been mentally abused by some disturbingly human looking kittens. It's really exhausting to change so rapidly from one to another. I'm pathetic.

I will need to change my life completely, and i will do it. I just need to make some sort of a plan about it. I really need a long lasting change for the good, because there is absolutely no other way. I will do all that i can to heal myself, and while i'm gaining more strength, i will succeed and do even more. My potential is yet unrecognized by myself and that is where i aim next. I am going to achieve so much more in life than this bullshit. If i don't give a fuck about this opportunity, who will ?

I will rise from this pile of shit. I've slept one hour today but fuck it. I feel pretty powerful in this state of weakness. This is a good sign. A long time i've seen myself as someone who lacks worth, significance and meaning. Humility is important, criticality is absolutely necessary. But, i don't want to be distorted anymore. I just want to be myself.

I want to be something i can be proud of. And i'm absolutely sure that it will manifest in my life at some point, in some level. I have just a lot of shitty business to do before i can even think of that. But then again, it makes life interesting. Things would be a lot different if i was something else. If i was mentally stable, i'd lack a lot of important knowledge too. I see my weaknesses as my strength. I have learnt, and i will learn a lot more because of this. But things need to change. My life is my newest project. My mind is the tool.

- Noora

07. Apr 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-portraits/2010.

06. Apr 2010

Sami came back. I baked. It was a delicious mess. I nearly never bake anything because it's always an utter chaos. We discussed about hardware compressors. Those expensive fucks. I'd proly need one at some point for the vocals. A new microphone as well. Yeah. There's a lot of shit to buy, but that's okay. I don't need everything, and the stuff i need, can wait. I could propably do great music with the gear i already have, if i was talented enough. And i'd probably do great mixes too, if i knew how to make those. But since i've desided to suck, i will do it with dignity.

While we were discussing about music stuff, i suddenly had this vision about our future house. I'd want to build a studio, get the fucking room where i could be my own master and continue doing this gayass music i do ! My current room just depresses me because of its lack of space. I'd really want to live in a place where i could just scream my lungs out in the middle of the night without having to meet the policeman. I just want to have space. More space. Less neighbours. More space. I bet Nemo would love it too.

I'd also want to feel more excited about my life. Excitement is so hard to maintain. It's linked to inspiration. I need both to do great stuff. My art so far has been far below my real potential and it bothers me. But it's good, because it makes me want to do more. And i have potatoe in my arse. Would it be unsuitable enough to end this entry right here ?

- Noora

03. Apr 2010

I assume everybody else is having a life somewhere else while i'm doing my classic nerding rituals at home. It's okay though. My hermit life is more than exciting. It's adventurous. I sit, eat, poop, sit, sit, read, compose music, sit, sit, wonder, worry, sit, sleep and the list goes on. IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. Really. Being here alone makes me feel kind of isolated and alien. I like the feeling. I feel artistic. And yeah, i started composing again. Oh, and i sang some Bon Jovi today as well. Kind of erotic. He was my boyfriend one night. Yeah. Kind of erotic.

I feel pretty phlegmatic and tired. Part of me would like to just GO and do some active... stuff. I feel pretty comfortable when i'm alone. It's really not bad at all. Although, i've always wanted to be more social than what i am now. I'm just not doing anything about it. I've started to think that maybe i will never be that. It seems to be less and less important to me. Then again, what really is important to me, is still a mystery. Sometimes i wonder if i make people miserable. Hmmm.

I just farted a bit and my writings seem to drift. I should do something instructive. I guess i need humans after all.

- Noora

02. Apr 2010

I was Obi Van Kenobi last night. It was pretty cool, although i didn't really know how to be him so i shot some woman who wore a snake costume and just ran insanely in the spacecraft without no good reason. Why the fuck every store is closed ? If Jesus existed wouldn't he want us to EAT ? I have no food at home, so i guess i'll just starve. I think this is just complete utter fucking shit. I have no better description for these stupid traditions humans have. All of you crazy fundamentalists, fuck yourself in the ass. Big time. It's plain weird these things still exist. It's wrong, and weird. Come on, do you really give a fuck ? You just need the holiday.

Other than that, i feel pretty good. I have no wisdom in my teethery (this is not a word) anymore, and i already feel much better. They kinda stressed me out. I don't feel like composing anything. I'm going to take some sort of break in it. Although, it scares me a little. I'd have a lot of spare time. Emptiness. I would probably just lose my mind and start creating my own imaginary friends and universes some other way. I feel like i'm on the edge of insanity. I think it will screw me at some point, unless i really figure myself out. I'd maybe like to start painting again, or writing some insignificant crap. I won't stop being creative, i just need to change the subject for a while. Maybe. Somehow i feel i'm not going to succeed in this project. I actually feel like i'm just going to do more music because i kinda can't give up on it. I feel like i need to create as much music as i can, and evolve as fast as i can. I don't have a hurry, but i kinda have one. We'll see.

I miss Sami, but i've kinda gotten used to feeling weird when he is away. I feel pretty much the same now, as i feel when i'm around him. A bit more stressed though. A bit more out of control and lonely. I really like to cuddle. It's great i have Nemo. It sucks i don't have food. I'm so hungry.

- Noora

01. Apr 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-portraits/2010.

31. Mar 2010 / But how can I win this war, when I can't even face the battle

I have to stop searching happiness from the outside and clean this god damn apartment. I have to start loving myself and stop searching approval from the ones i love. I am always going to be alone. We all will ! If i don't love myself, there's no way i'm ever going to be happy or satisfied. I have this hunger running through my vains. Aching hunger ! But nothing will ever feed this kind of rush inside me. It's like a drug you need to sustain the feelings that makes you feel alive. But if you stop taking the drug, reality will strike you. Rape you. Kill you. And after you have stopped, you can't even watch yourself from the mirror without feeling ashamed and lonely. Why did you have to go that way when everything was already in front of you ? Or, maybe more of, in you. And i don't want to go that road. I have to be better than that.

This is a good time for me to really start to see what is actually important and meaningful. It's not the sex, the attraction, the fastly disappearing chemical flow inside me. None of those makes me happy. Actually, they do the opposite. But what is good in them, is that they make me see and miss the real thing. The friendship, the humour, the laugh, the love, the unconditional caring, the creativity. And that's what my heart wants. That's what i want. But i will never see its importance, unless i first love myself. When that happens, i know that everything will fall into place. I need to lose the false attachments, and just flow with this dream. Maybe it will be my last dream, maybe not. It's not important. As long as i follow my own stream without following the stereotypes, i will do fine.

I've never wanted to have many friends. I've always kind of sticked with the one human i feel the most connected to. Even when i was just a small child. And i've noticed that the more i get to know new people, the more i want to be alone. I can take one human without feeling weird. But just one. I guess i'm sort of devoted. In every area of life, really. I feel weird of knowing people, but not really knowing them. "Yeah, i know that guy, but i don't really know that guy" -thingy. I think it's very weird. I want to really know if i decide to want to get to know somebody...? I don't like superficial relationships. It's not enough for me to "kind of" know someone. It's pointless. I've always wanted to get much deeper than that. Depths of penis.

Sometimes i'm so focused in small details that i can't see the big picture. Although, details are very important. "What would the world look like, if the creator didn't consider every detail ?" That's a sentence i "heard" in my head once. Yeah, i'm serious. To me, that has so much power and meaning in it, i can't really even explain it. That sentence kind of changed my view in life. It's so profound to me still. Haha, and it looks beautifully insane when you put it that way. "I hear voices in my head." "Yeah, profound voices." Well ! Yeah ! But that was really big to me. I'm glad i wrote it down, i had almost forgotten its existence.

Sami is in Germany, and he'll be back this sunday. Or next monday ? I really miss him already. Tomorrow they're going to rip the other pair of my wishdom tooth, and i'm nervous although i've already experienced this before. I just kinda don't like the needle part, i almost puked last time. The shit they put into me really tastes like..well, shit ! And they stick that mutherfucking needle in my mouth approximately something like... 15 times ! After that, you can't really feel anything, so it's not that bad. But heeeey, it's fun to complain when everything's better than great ! But now, i'll eat. Yaarrr.

- Noora

30. Mar 2010

+ New song added to Music.

I don't know what's going on with me, but i am changing. I don't know what the fuck is going to happen, but something's moving rapidly in me. Maybe it's the spring and hormones and stuff, i honestly don't know. I feel like i'm standing on an edge, and below me there's a life i've kinda always wanted but wasn't sure could exist. Well, now i know it can exist, but i'm scared of jumping because i'm not sure about..well. Anything. I'm afraid of breaking myself. I don't know if the life down there is the one i really need ? How do i know what is right. I'm all messed up about this. Which one is more important, Need or Want ? I'd leave everything behind, just to see what is on the other side ? That's really fucking scary, but fascinating thought. I mean, if i'd jump into the unknown, i would become aware of it. Then again, i would maybe regret of doing that descision. When there's no turning back, there's no turning back. I've tried to get the right answer, but it's all contradicting. Maybe there's absolutely no right answer. Only options. Well, that helps. Fuuuuuuuck.

I kinda feel like the history keeps repeating itself. Time after time i move to this same state of mind. Last time the descision was clear. I knew what i needed to do. I knew what i wanted. But now, nothing's clear. Everything's contradicting. Everything's blurry. I don't know what is important. I have no fucking clue. I can't just jump without thinking. Even if it would be the best thing. Where's my heart when i need it ?

I'm trying to predict what's going to happen. Haha, and it helps nothing. This moment is just a huge mess. I am emotionally fucked. I feel like there's a lot of love inside me wanting to get out and mess everything up. I don't know for sure if it would be a mess. But, most likely. Or maybe not. FUCK. See, this is indeed the point. I can't think straight. I can't think my emotions off. I can't see beyond my hormones. Or my balls. I kinda knew this was coming at some point. Now i'm in deep shit with wants and needs and hormones and love and ass. I just feel like ruining everything ! I feel like jumping and never looking back. I am such an ass.

- Noora

28. Mar 2010

+ New song added to Music.

27. Mar 2010

A bigger apartment. Two seperate apartments ? More privacy. Doors to our doorways. We're suffocating our existence. Sometimes all i really need is to be all alone. Without any company. I really miss being alone. I'm not good at this. I'm no good when there's too much 'we'. I haven't even figured myself out yet. How am i suppose to figure 'us' out ? Maybe i should live alone for a couple of more years. Or alternatively, maybe forever ? It really feels like a good idea at times. It wouldn't be a problem to him either. We're two individuals, walking two different paths. I'd never want to see him disappear. I hope we could walk along with each other. Support, care and scratch each other's buttocks. Even if we had our own seperate homes.

We've been together almost two years now. I try not to think about time, because it's not important. I wouldn't want to sum anything up, but there has been great and even greater experiences along the way. Much more greatness than there has been shit. Actually we've had quite a small dose of shit in our relationship so far. We laugh everyday. Even when everything feels like a dull horse dick. I am energetic weirdo most of the time, and he is calm and more serious. Still we understand each other, even when we don't understand each other. If that makes any sense ? It wouldn't work if he was like me, we would eat our brains and light up a bonfire to our living room. And then we'd dance like two brainless humans. BRAINLESS, BECAUSE WE WOULD'VE EATEN OUR BRAINS ! It's great he is what he is. I am the painting. He is the frames.

I have kind of given up. Not in a bad way. I don't need to be in control. I don't need to know everything. I don't have to be above anybody to be somebody. I already am someone, and i'm pretty cool this way. It takes a while to unlearn what i have learnt. And it takes a while to really forget. But who gives a smelly penis, i will be oh so cool forever. Even in death. Man, everything i write rhymes.

Edit:

RANDOM RAGE. FUCK. I CAN'T MIX SHIT.

- Noora

25. Mar 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Misc 2010.

Still doing fine ! I have abandoned couple of obsessions/addictions which i've had for a quite long while now. After i did that conscious decision, i've felt pretty good and peaceful. My mind had deceived me and kept me in some sort of state of blindness which i didn't want to face. I didn't see what was really going on deep inside me. I've tried to avoid living my own life and facing my own problems. So i let go a few things that really ate me inside and now i feel like i've taken a huge step towards the right direction. I can't waste myself. I can't waste my life with the painful thoughts of unworthiness. I am enough of everything. My existence has value.

There's a lot going on in my head, but not really anything i could put into words. Just huge mess of ideas and thoughts about..pretty much everything ! I feel like i'm going somewhere with myself. Maybe not concretely just yet, but first and foremost mentally. I feel like i've released so much shit in one week that i've actually lost a few kilos. When i lie on my bed figuring the world out, i feel light as fuck. Not anorectically light, but like. Weightless ! No, that just doesn't look good. Ummm, well. Anyway, whatever the word is, i feel more connected with myself. I feel pure. I'm not trying too hard, and it's okay. I am living my life. I'm not finished yet. I don't know everything. And i will never know, unless i live. Well okay, i will never know everything, but a fraction of it would be pretty cool already. That's where i'm heading. But i have no hurry. I have to be more aware of the moment. It has all i need.

- Noora

22. Mar 2010

I'm listening Jose Conzalez's song "Crosses" with repeat. I'm pondering my feelings, my life. Love. Spring is here. With the nature i'm born again. I'll grow a new skin. A different me. Always changing. But in this very moment, i feel at peace with myself. I feel like my life's in great balance. It's irreplaceable. Meaningful. I will fall again, but i will always rise back. I'm never going to give up. I'm aware of this moment and its importance. For once, i can just breathe. I really appreciate this. There's really nothing else to say.

- Noora

21. Mar 2010 / Hail to Textures !

I (vagina) love this band from the depths of my soul. I have no right words for this feeling, but i'm shapeshifting from angsty piece of shit to a wonderful living being with an open heart and fuck shit joyful stuff while listening this shit ! This is just so brilliant, i can't discribe it. Psychedelic love. My dog has a very annoyed look on his face. "What the fuck are you smiling at ?" "Get back to angst you son of a bitch !" Aaaw, now he fell asleep. Cute as a dead guinea pig. Ah, this music wins so much i think i'm going to puke gay couples.

Today i watched the second part of the film "Esoteric Agenda", called "Kymatica". I really liked it. It included lots of stuff i had already thought in my mind before, but had been put into better words than what the chaos is in my head in this very moment. I'm verbally challenged. I really recommend it. The movie. It ruled. Just google it. Or eat my ass. Sami just saw me jamming embarrasingly and looked totally shocked. I look 100 % retarted while i'm jamming. Well, what can you do ! We don't have doors in our apartment. There's no privacy so i let my genitalia fly. What ?

I just wanted to inform you that I LOVE TEXTURES and by doing so, i will look retarted the rest of the night. I LOVE THIS SHIT. It's a shame that the singer dude left. I really like his voice. I haven't felt this good for a long long while. Music, life, shit, ass.

- Noora

20. Mar 2010

I haven't showered for a while. I've avoided it (uncosciously and consciously) and now i really smell. But today, i'm going to do it. Absolutely. I will smell less bad.

The song i'm working on atm is sort of schizophrenic in a very pleasant way. I'm really feeling it. While listening to it, i feel emancipated and joyful. It's relaxing. I feel like moving akwardly while listening to the song. It's really nice. Probably one of my favourites so far. And i feel i've proceeded a bit. I'm not as much focused on the negative sides of my creations and myself than what i was last year. I have days when i feel completely okay in my own skin. Although, couple of days ago i did have some sort of nervous breakdown. I lost it for a moment. Actually i've cried quite a bit these past couple of days, but it has been really liberating. It's alright to cry. It's alright to lean on everyone. I occasionally feel just horrible, but it's not that bad when you put it on a different perspective. Someone's probably suffering million times more than i could ever even imagine. Everybody has their own struggles.

If i had money, i'd buy a house. From the woods. I'd also get a driver's licence. Maybe. It's a self-distructive idea. Cars and I. We probably wouldn't get along very well. I would drive myself into a trench very quickly. I like to watch the views you know. Maybe i should just let Sami drive. Hmmm. Anyway. I'd also want to have another hairy friend for Nemo. Sami is hairy, but maybe just not enough a dog ? Couple of cats would be nice too. Fireplace. A lake. Swans. Loads of space to run free. No neighbours near. Neither relatives (I like you more when we don't see that often). Silence. Complete fucking silence. Trees. Music. I'd really appreciate these things. Maybe someday. I'd really enjoy it.

I'd really like to have proper gear to record acoustic guitar. It's been a while since i've played one. And i really like it. I'd like to do one album with only using acoustic guitar and my voice. It would be cool. I just realized i have dreams. How cool is this. Cool. I don't really like to word 'cool' but i seem to use it quite often. Fuck it, it's cool. ALL IS COOL.

Now i'm going to sacrifice myself for the shower and be clean. Yes, that's what i'll do.

- Noora

18. Mar 2010

Have you ever seen a dream in a dream in a dream ? I woke up several times from a dream to a dream which i thought was reality but was still a dream. I've had these before, and they're quite freaky when you reduce the word 'dream' and replace it with the word 'nightmare'. Really unpleasant experiences. These dreams were all about my boyfriend abandoning me without no good reason. Sounds quite lame when you put it that way, but it was very painful in the dreams (especially because the dreams kept going on and on). I haven't had really thought about it, until now. It defenitely got my attention. It's obvious, that i'm afraid he'd someday just disappear. But there's lots of other things. I'm also very aware of my own faults and how they show up in the reality. I really don't want to hurt anybody, but i might still do it unconsciously. Least i want to hurt the ones i love, but sometimes even that is hard to avoid in my own thoughtlessness. It happens to everybody, i assume. But it bothers me in a very personal level. I'm very strict what comes to my own thinking and acting in life. I wouldn't want to do any mistakes, although i know that mistakes indeed teaches the most. Seeing someone having to suffer really makes me feel dreadful. Seeing someone i love having to suffer makes me want to kill myself. That's also a reason why i try to avoid getting to know too many people. It would be way too painful to see them go. I'm drifting.

Although, i do believe in the depths of my ass, that everyone who's supposed to go, will move aside and the ones that must stay, will stay. There's no mistakes, nor there is any "if" occasions. I might be wrong, but that's how it has been in my life.

The song i'm currently composing is weird as fuck. I don't know what got into me, but it definitely has some very bizarre moments in it. It's weird, but i like it. I woke up 04.00 AM and i felt more alive than i've felt in the past couple of months. That's great. Maybe today won't go to waste after all. I feel a bit of a badass today. Like, quite a bit. I just need a machine gun and a chopper and...

- Noora

16. Mar 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-portraits 2010.

(Random note. If you're going to use my pictures in the future, would you PLEASE respect them to the extent that you WOULD NOT CHANGE WHAT I HAVE DONE TO THEM afterwards. If you're not pleased of how they came out, then don't FUCKING PUT THEM ON THE INTERNETS. FUCK. Really, that's just stupid. I won't take pictures of anyone from this date unless there will be some shift in awareness and appreciation what comes to this. Come on, this is serious to me. I am not taking pictures JUST FOR FUN. Not even when i'm helping my relatives out. Alright ? Stop right now, thank you very much. I need somebody with the human touch.. Waaaait a second.) Oh, and by the way. You hooman have no right to use my pictures without my written permission. Ever. Have some individuality for god's sake.

I started recording a new song. Yeah, i did. I'm not sure if i'm doing music because i like doing music OR because i'm simply obsessed about it. I can't spend one day without creating music. Sometimes i don't even feel like doing music but i still somehow manage to drag my ass onto the computer chair and do the fucking music. When i start something, there won't be a stop to it. That's why i don't do drugs or use alcohol at all. I'd be a junkie in one week. Today i just started crying for no good reason and my dog helped me out. I cried like a baby. Just, insanely. I just, screamed ! What is funny about my dog, is that he always comes to me when i'm totally losing it. He tries to mimic my voice (which sounds very comical and which also is one of the main reasons why i finally stop crying) and puts his nose to my ear to calm me down. He is excellent in that. Nobody can do it, but him. His heart is just pure gold. Amazing creature. So sensitive and empathic. Characters, which seem to be impossible to find in humans.

But now, i will try to sleep.

- Noora

15. Mar 2010

+ New song added to Music.

(The "scream" in the end of the song reminds me of the horrible constipation i experienced when i was 12 years old. That's how i sounded when i was trying to have a poop but it wasn't coming. Thanks.)

Oh, i feel so dull ! I'd like to have some radical, but positive twist to my life. I'm absolutely bored. Music kind of disgusts me because i've been doing it non stop a while now. I've literally had my headphones on all this time. Noise makes me feel sick. Sometimes i'd just want to experience absolute silence. I can't stand noise. Sometimes i can't stand hearing music either. It's mostly just disturbing my train of thought. Music has never been the same since i started recording my own shit. Now i'm only listening how this and that was made and what plugins and gear they were using and so on. I'm constantly paying attention to stuff i didn't hear before. It has kind of ruined it for me. But then again, another illusion has been adduced. It's really not cool to be something. But it's very important to be someone, doing something in this life. Because these 'somethings' really teach us a lot. And if there wasn't lessons, what would be the meaning of it all ?

But i have problems. What is left of me. I'm not doing what i love, because i don't know what i love. What is love ? What is meaningful ? Maybe it's just a matter of opinion and one's outlook of life. But what could possibly be meaningful to one who doesn't understand the meaning behind the symbol. If the meaning of life is to give life meaning, i have totally lost it. The things i thought would make me happy didn't. And what if the meaning of life isn't to be happy ? What is the general concept behind the word meaningful ? WHAT. I know the answers lie within, but i'm not very connected with it in this moment of my life. And i haven't internalized it just yet. What the fuck is happening ?

I saw an interesting dream once. I lived normal life with Nemo and Sami. We were spending time together in our apartment. Suddenly, our apartment was completely underwater. I tried to save my dog from drowning until i realized there is nowhere to go and i was drowning too. I couldn't possibly save him because i needed to be saved. So i drowned and after that i woke up. Well, that dream definitely had a meaning. I can't possibly help anybody until i've saved myself. I can't help my dog, until i've figured myself out. No wonder he is all fucked up. He is just like me. It's easy to see but so hard to understand.If i don't internalize my own problems, i can't possibly understand anybody elses. But i can't just run into random conclutions because that's not how it works. Not with me, at least. I must listen, stop the eternal search and just be still. I must see what is in front of me.

I revere how easily/fast my boyfriend falls asleep. It takes one minute and he is already somewhere else. I wish i had that in me too. I'd find it very useful. I guess i will need to try. I need to remember that tomorrow doesn't exist. I need to remember that. *snoooooooooooooooooooores*

- Noora

14. Mar 2010 / Amelia

My niece's got a name ! (Clue. It's the title of this entry.) Well, she actually got three of them plus the last name. What a day, i am exhausted. I'm very easily beaten down. One day with the relatives can easily take my powers away. Those god damn energy eaters. Most of them are nice though, i can't complain. The newest one rocks assholes anyway. She never talks, but seems to pay a lot of a attention to everybody who has something to say to her. That's the great part in babies. They won't pretend they like you, and they won't talk shit about stuff you didn't want to hear in the first place. They just exist and with that curios stare they speak the international language of the good stuff for you without a word. Which most of us seem to understand. At least, in our own peculiar way. I hope she'll learn a lot in this life and has many great experiences. She definitely has great parents, that's for sure. And her aunt, what a genius.

It's funny. I would've given that name to my child, if i'd someday accidentally would've possibly pooped one out of me. Just like, theoratically at least. I've always known that i'm way too selfish for being a mother myself. I've never really thought that raising a kid would be a good idea for me. I'm way too fucked up. (Well, at least NOW, obviously...) Then again, i would probably be a great mother someday. When i've learnt how to live my own life and love myself the way i am. But i have two babies already. One of them is everlasting baldie and the other one is made of hair. So yeah, i am raising retarded animals. WHAT A JOB. No complains really, i do love them.

I haven't eaten anything today (oh jesus, i first wrote today seperately as "to day" and thought if there was something wrong with it), but it's mostly because i'm pretty afraid of the holes in my head. You know, the wishdom teeth holes. They look pretty scary. Food will invade those holes. And it feels uncomfortable. But i must eat. Something. Liquidish. Maybe. Hmmmm. Sami looks so cute when he sleeps. I will tell him tomorrow that i wrote to my website that he looks cute when he sleeps and then he will feel embarrassed and akward. That's what you get you let your fart win. Now he smiled for some unknown reason. Just like a baby. Aaaaw. But always remember, he is as brutal as fuck. Never question the brutality of a baby looking guy who plays extreme metal in a band ! Nevvver.

I will sing harmonies tomorrow again and finish up the song which i deeply, deeply enjoy ! I really like that song. It's energetic and fun. There's a few interesting rhytmical aspects in it which made me proud. I must admit it. I'm very proud of the fact that there is some things in life that just comes naturally from me. Music is one of them. Creating is easy. Being perfect isn't easy, but that's not where i am heading anyway. I want to be the best me. I am not perfect, and i won't ever be perfect. But i will be incredibly cool, just like Dio. And maybe a bit perfect in a very flawed way ? Eh, just a bit, maybe ? I somehow feel pretty awesome now. It's nice. I should eat.

- Noora

13. Mar 2010

+ New picture to Photo/Self-Portrait 2010.

I just woke up from a nightmare again. Ever since they took away those wisdom teeth of mine, i started having weird nightmares. The last time i've had nightmares was when i was only a kid. I fucking hate nightmares ! I'm too sensitive for that shit. They make me very paranoid and anxious. Actually, after that teeth operation, i've been a lot more anxious and sort of.. more easily panicing over stuff ? I don't know if these two are connected but i surely would want to get rid of these dreams. Fuck. I hate it when my head starts to screw with me invasively, which leads to the "i can't sleep at all because it's too frightening and i will lose my mind and poop rabbits while thinking this stuff over and over again"- thingy. I really don't want to take those 'reality pills' again either. They suck even more.

Maybe i am scared and exhausted. Maybe i can't possibly do what people are expecting of me. I can't pretend i feel normal. I feel like some totally weird braindead freak who will soon lose even the smallest remaining bits of her sense. I hate the fact that these powerful feelings of fear and loss are getting back to me. I thought i already went through of these things ? How can i be so fucked up. I've always known there's something definitely wrong with me, but i've always expected it to fade away forever.. sometime in the future.. too. But it hasn't ! I hate the nights. I just hate my mind. I hate it how i can't control what i fear the most (= fear). I hate it when i can't think straight. Everything i have inside leads me back to myself. I feels so lonely in there. In me brainz. Fear is such a lousy friend. And i don't want to have friends like that. So, fear. If you're listening, go fuck yourself and torture someone who cares less.

I wouldn't want to write about these things, but i really can not stop writing about these things. I feel fucking insane. Okay, maybe the universe is a large hologram consisting smaller holograms, maybe this is just some sort of computer simulation. Fractals, fucking fractals. (Why do i even care about these things some much, argh !) Whatever the fuck life is, it's not fun for me. It's a fucking pain in my ass. I can't live like this. I don't know what is keeping me here, but i guess there's a purpose in this one too. No, i'm not going to shoot myself. I will proly just fart. But, what i need to do is to get my life in better condition before it's too late. My current one sucks ass. Mostly just because i feel so alien in this human body with these non human thoughts. Maybe my brains are just small. Maybe there's not enough of room for a better life. I feel cold and weird.

I'm so scared of facing what is in me. After i'd face myself, there wouldn't be problems with the outer world either. Maybe i've just disappointed myself. Maybe i'm not really doing what i should be doing. But when you don't really know what you should be doing, you just are. You try to fill the void with stuff you're ostensibly interested in. Stuff, that are only the surface of your being. But i am crazy and exhausted. Figuring stuff out alone takes a lot of my brain capacity. There's no room. Or maybe that's just my lazy attitude. Maybe there's too much of space. Maybe i feel agoraphopic. I don't know. I just don't know.

- Noora

12. Mar 2010

+ Quite a bit of new pictures added to Photo/Misc/2010.

11. Mar 2010

Well. I didn't "let myself heal" very long, since today i started recording some sort of demo vocals already (which probably will be the "real" vocals as well in the end) and singing felt okay. I feel no pain what so ever and life's pretty good. Although i do seem to get a bit anxious about.. Well. I don't know what exactly makes me anxious but sometimes it attacks me randomly. Maybe it doesn't need any excuse to reappear. It just does. Maybe it just wants to show me that it still exists. I hate it though, can't really do anything properly. But, spring is almost here and it makes me feel better.

- Noora

10. Mar 2010

+ Couple of pictures added to Photo, Misc/2010.

Earlier today they took away two of my wisdom tooth, and the process really wasn't that bad ! I look like down's child at the moment, but that too is more than okay. Loads of blood coming out of the holes where my teeth used to live, but at least i'm still standing. I thought i would fall into a deep coma or something, but non of that shit happened either. Quite boring actually, i thought this would be much more dramatic. Something i'd remember forever. Ah, well. Maybe next time. They'll ramove the second pair in the beginning of next month. What a joy ! I can finally get rid of these life ruining motherfuckers of mine. The dentist wasn't that much of a nazi after all. I kinda liked him. Straightforward.

Quite exotic now that the other half of my head feels like it's been separated from my body. It feels interesting. I've never been anesthetized before, so this was a new experience. And, i like new experiences.

Jorn Lande's voice is awesome. Fucking brilliant. Amazing. I wish i had more balls in my voice. Soul and balls are neccessary if you want to blow minds. I know i can sing with more balls in my voice. But it's really loud. I wouldn't want to kill anyone. I'd like to have some balls without getting too loud. I have so much to learn. Maybe loudness is necessary too. I don't know anything about singing. But i won't be singing for a while now anyway. I let myself heal.

I have periods in my mouth. Great. Just great.

- Noora

09. Mar 2010

I think i just finished ANOTHER song, again. Instru-mentally at least. I did a quick mix of it too, and it really didn't sound that awful ! Yet. After the vocals i will cry onions again (...or maybe it did sound horrible, maybe i got the sound deafness which fooled me and NOW this is all just self-bullshitting). I really like the song and it's scaring the fuck out of me. Not the song, but the fact that i'm starting to accept myself and my (f)art. This is either a way to a complete distruction or a way to freedom. Or are they the same thing ? Anyway, this might just suck some ass. I'm not sure. I don't have that agony anymore what i used to have while sucking (not sucking that way but sucking you know.. suck-ing). I still think i suck, but it doesn't give me any negative feelings. There's no self-pity involved. I'm not the same. And in this moment, i might not just suck that bad. It changes from time to time. Sometimes i have a suck day. Sometimes i have a scientist day. AND THEY BOTH RULE \o/ ! I'm learning all the time and that's what matters.

I think my dog has grown a bit with me too. You know, both mentally and physically (from the stomach). He has this weird oldish knowledge spark in his eyes. He seems to just know. And i truly believe everything he communicates with me. When he thinks i'm wrong or foolish, i totally get it. When he thinks he needs some of my food, i totally give it to him. I'm totally under his mastermind manipulation. God, i'm so not the leader of this herd. But hey, at least i'm trying to pay attention to all of the members of our crew. By giving food and admitting my own stupidity. Sometimes the three of us just lie on the bed cuddling and scrathing each other. So gay, but so genuine too. That's love man, love. The purest of it. Then one of us starts to smell, and after that comes the puke. Loads of puke. That's also a part of our life.

- Noora

07. Mar 2010

As it's been written below; i finished another song. Everything's different than last year. When i finished one of my first songs ever, i felt amazing. Like a winner of some sort. I felt so good about myself, i had made something historical (or hysterical) and i was so connected with life. But now, i can barely be bothered if i manage to finish up something. I don't feel anything. There's only a crust left. Within me there is nothing. I have no dreams, no goals. I just don't feel anything. I'm not connected with my creations, neither with the world around me. I don't really know what to do with myself. Where to continue ?

I've been more or less depressed all my life, but i've always had dreams. I don't have them anymore. I have no idea where i'm going. Seems pretty depressing, but i'm not connected with it either. I don't feel depressed. I feel pretty good actually. I don't know what's happening to my psyche. Maybe i'm just losing it. Am i really this unimaginative, or what the fuck. I can't seem to figure out anything that would even slightly interest me. All of this just makes me feel weird. I've had emptiness in my life before, but i've never been this much of it. I don't have troubles, neither much of joy. I just am, and there seems to be nothing that would make a difference. Sometimes i really just think this is all about my lack of imagination ! I have no fucking imagination these days. For the sake of god's balls.

Sometimes i wish i'd believe in god. Things would probably be much more enjoyable. I would just let all of my shit pour onto his neck. He'd figure out everything for me, i wouldn't need to do anything. I'd only need to believe and he would organize everything ! The sad thing is, i don't believe in such things as god, because i don't have enough of imagination. I'm very limited in many ways. God is such a weird concept. How could he even possibly be he. I believe in existence. It's the realest thing i've come across so far. Proly not that real either when you have teh knowledge about teh universe, but it's better than nothing. Then again, nothing is real to me. The only real thing is the no-thing. Maybe god exist for those who has the imagination. Good for them, i envy you. It's easy when you're floating in nothingness. But. I just hate when it's all easy. I wasn't born to sunbathe, and i wasn't born to use self-tanning lotion. I was born to fight with Rambo.

I hate sensitive and emotional female voices.(= I hate my voice.) But, not that passionately. I'm just neutrally disgusted about it. What can i do, i was born as a girl. No penis was found. I wouldn't enjoy being a guy either. It sucks both ways. By 'it' i mean existence. My teeth hurt like fuck. I sleep way too much because i have nothing else to do. My life is really very boring, but when i put a couple of descriptive adjectives to my grammarly incorrect sentences, everything looks cooler than what reality really is. This is how i fool myself, by writing shit day after day to the non existing audience of mine. It makes me feel like i'm cool. Someone, who has a life full of adventures. I only have adventures while i'm having a poop. That's when THE SHIT happens.

Most of the girls at my age are so dramatic. They're fun to read though. I'm really just boring. And i have a headache. Fuck my teeth.

- Noora

06. Mar 2010

+ New song added to Music.

04. Mar 2010

+ New drawing added to Other.

03. Mar 2010

My brains are melting. I'm listening Metallica, although i've never quite liked them that much. Black album is pretty good. There's few separate songs i enjoy as well. Metallica isn't bad. I'm just a noob who understands nothing about music. It's easy to write a lot of crap about stuff you know nothing about. My music has nothing to do with music. Doing something based on actual knowledge is a weird and unknown subject to me. I know nothing, but i don't really need to know to create stuff. My life is very abstract. I'm not organized and i don't plan my future anymore because things never turn out exactly the way i had planned. I worry a lot, although i know there's nothing to worry. I only worry because i've gotten used to it and it makes me feel alive. When i'm very stressed and anxious, i feel like my life's real and not just a long long dream that will soon come to an end. When i'm relaxed, i feel like i'm not really here. I'm floating in another dimension. I guess i need some balance.

I'm generally tired but imaginative small hairy bastard. I try to avoid thinking what happens tomorrow. There's no tomorrow, until i'm there. This moment is special. This moment is all i'll ever have. But what do i see ? One small hairy bastard with chocolate all over her face. 15 year old japanese boy with an empty stare. That's me. So not cool, but so not giving a fuck. I really miss listening Dio. I really love that old midget. I really love his songs. And voice. My hero. I will be as cool as he is. He is so incredibly cool.

I guess i'm finished composing the song i've done the past couple of days or weeks or whatever. I really kind of like it. The drums sound a bit weird, but i'm no drummer. Yet. I will probably go through them many times before i start doing anything else. Probably throwing bananas to the walls in frustration. It's okay. We don't have bananas. Banana is such a weird word.

It's hard to really consider my own music as real music. It really sounds so amateur to me, that i can't really think it as "real music from a real musician". It's more of like "i am trying to do music and this is how it sounds"- kind of a deal. Which means it's not music at all. At least not for me. I don't even consider myself as a musician. I'm just some pal who wants to write music for herself and evolve in this area of life. I try to avoid reading the opinions of others about me and the things i do. All the compliments and dissing would let me become too aware of myself. That's exactly what i don't want. I don't want to be influenced by some random dude who thinks i should do things differently. Or some dude, who loves what i do. I'm pretty sensitive like that. That's why i really don't want to know if i'm being liked or hated. It shouldn't affect me, but it really does. I just want to do my shit.

Fuck yeahs. That's it. I just needed to write.

- Noora

01. Mar 2010

+ Two new pictures added to Photo 2010/Self.

Hey, today i feel much better ! Still having somewhat huge potatoe in there, but i will let it be. Since, raging here in my blog which no one ever reads is really not the best way to express myself to myself. Rage isn't necessary, unless i'm playing video games. Which, i don't do that often. Anymore. (Although, Sami just installed 4-5 new games to my computer.) (I don't know why.) (Haven't touched them.) (Except one, but i stopped playing it soon after i started. I didn't really know how to play it. I got bored. I don't use manuals. They're for noobs.) I'm definitely having some problems to really get things out of my chest. No, there's no lumbs in there. Just, loads of frustration, anger, pain and mustaches. Or maybe indeed, writing and making music is releasing things that should be released. Although, my music doesn't really release anything, it mostly just supports peace, love and understanding. Then again, i sing my brains out everytime i do vocals. It MUST release something. Smelly and rotten farts, at least (when enough of pressure).

Sami should wake up, approximately in two minutes. I will kiss his ass if he ain't getting up from the bed. I have my ways. At least that's what i like to think in my lack of self-esteem. I really don't care for manipulating men. I honestly have too much to do with myself already. But. The fact is, we really need to get the shit rolling, NAO. Nemo just wants to relax with him. "Stop screaming you crazy biatch, take it easy like we guys do." Seems like Sami's getting up. I'm hungry. I don't read books. I've tried, but most of them just repeats what the other one has already said and seems to go nowhere with its concept. I'd probably like reading some of them, though. There must be some area in life that would be interesting enough for me. Then again, i read teh internets. It's easy, although the information doesn't always include real knowledge. It's better than nothing, right ? There's always some jackass showing off how THEY HAVE READ THE BOOKS anyway. When you ask something, the answer is always a line from a book they've just read. It's cool how they remember that stuff. It's all cool.

I'd really like to have a bunny suit. Not the erotic one, but like. Really fluffy bunny suit. I would find it very comforting. I would use it all the time. If it would start to smell, i'd have one day of nudity in a month while i'd wash it and then it would be clean again and i could use it the next 30 days of my exciting life.

- Noora

28. Feb 2010

I'm stressed out. Life will be quite hectic next month. I'm stressed and pissed. I really try not to concentrate on these things, but they keep on coming up. Thoughts of chaos and unbalance. Will my life always be like this ? I don't want to have a role in society. Now what is that really ? I need to play a role to live life fully and happily ? I'm not an actress and never will be. And no. I'm not going to give in. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I hate it when people come up to me and tell me what i have to do to maintain my life. "Yeah, you have to fill this form and then send it to this place where two of these motherfuckers will deside if you can live or not." SOUNDS FAIR. How can some random ass have all the power in his/her hands ? How can we let someone else deside over our lives ? How can a human being own a piece of this earth, when it wasn't ours in the first place ? How can we sell land when we don't FUCKING OWN IT. We don't ! We were born with nothing, we will die with nothing. WE DON'T OWN THIS FUCKING PLANET. FUCK. EAT MY ASS YOU FUCKERS. I just want to strangle some hello kitties and go nuts. I already did.

I really don't want to pretend like i'm going somewhere. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to school. I'm not going to work. I don't like raw, uncooked potatoes. I just don't like you potatoes. There's no way you're going to make me to like you. Try to put me to the streets, rape my ass, kill me. I don't care. I'm always going to be true to myself. BUT I WON'T LIKE YOU, AND I AM NOT GOING TO SUPPORT YOUR SHITTY AGENDA.

And don't tell me that "that's just how life is, we can't do anything about it." FUCK YOURSELF. FUCK YOURSELF.

- Noora

27. Feb 2010 / The deadly yellow snow

Finally. Our neighbour complained about my dog ! Well, obviously there's million reasons why our dog sucks ass, but today's misery was all about the noise and the urine. Problem is; The urine of my dog does not look very desireble on the white snow ! (NO SHIT. THEN DON'T EAT IT BITCH) I really don't even notice it myself (and that's indeed the problem), but fortunately our neighbour does. Fair and funny enough, when you start thinking about the wars in the world, the dying children, the infinity of space etc, things like urine seems to become pretty small problem. That's really what i think when i'm letting my dog pee on the yard. Maybe i should start to investigate this (to me) unknown area of life. The urine of my dog. On the snow. Disturbing the human life. But remember granny, just like Frank Zappa said: "WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO AND DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW SNOW". Yeah. It's pee. Don't eat it. Maybe she accidentally ate it already, and then got disappointed and angry at me because it wasn't orange juice. I'll never know. Next time i'll be the one having a wee wee on the yard. "Hey, does human urine look any better to you ?" "Can you drown your ugly face in it, plz ?" "Would you scratch my arse too ? It's really itchy."

The other thing that really bothered her was Nemo's loud noise. He is really loud sometimes. But then again, he is a dog. He has the need to communicate with us and with the outer world, just like we humans do. We don't want her as our neighbour either, but WE HAVE NO CHOICE (actually we do, but this looks cool and dramatic). Things that don't bother us, seems to really bug her. Haha, it's funny. I should probably be all upset and worried about this, but i really can't. I knew this was coming at some point, and i knew the first one to complain would be this neighbour. I guess she won't invite us to her teaparties. :---( That's so sad. But you know, Nemo reeeeeeally hates her. I never really cared for her either, and now i know why. My intuition was right. But if she has other things she wants to share with us, i am sure listening. Complains accepted. Everybody does have the right, now don't they.

I started composing again. I feel a bit sick. I'm tired as a raped seal. I feel a bit cold. Some people never get it. I got shivers. I does not want to get sick nooooooooes. Sami is having a shower. Finally ! Aaaaah, probably getting back to work. Burbs. First i'm going to have a splendid poop.

PS. No, i don't have any respect for old people because of their age. Human stupidity is found from all ages.

- Noora

26. Feb 2010

+ New song added to Music.

I turned nineteen. One year of teenhood left. I ate loads of cake. Actually, i ate cake today for a breakfast as well. I like food that includes insane amounts of sugar. My boyfriend only eats food which he can get from a can. On my birthday i also visited the dentist. Weird nazi. He is going the rip my teeth off the next time we see. Honestly. That sucks. I'm afraid and stressed about it. Actually, so stressed i couldn't sleep last night. I took some old psychosis pill (which i found from the medicine cabinet, NOT from the trash can) and woke up 12 hours later. That was THE SHIT. It's okay though, i needed sleep. I'm still scared. I don't trust the dude who's going to rape my teeth. He had weird hair and empty stare. I hate people like that. No, i really just hate that dentist.

I finished my newest song last night. I haven't had programmed 'real' drums before, so i didn't really know what i was doing. I left few cymbals too loud in the mix, and got too cocky about my lack of rhythmic skillz. That's why it sounds partly quite...interesting. I like the song though, it's okay. I hope i learnt something from this experience, and will do better in the next song i'm going to start working on. Sometime. In the future. Tomorrow, perhaps.

The concept of 'Enigmatic Existence' is pretty gay. I believe that all existance is innocent in a way. The song's chorus manifests the idea pretty clearly. Okay, that sentence with that melody... Combination of 100 % gayness. But it's okay. That's what i wanted. I think... Fuck, i'm so tired. I just want to shit bricks. I mean, i want to SLEEP. No, i don't. Yes i do. I've been all cranky the past couple of days. It's the dementia and getting old part. Definitely. I don't want to write anything while i'm half asleep so maybe i'll just go to sleep. I woke up two hours ago. Who gares about english grammal.

- Noora

22. Feb 2010

I must admit that in the past 18 years i've already achieved more than i could've ever imagined. I really suck at recognizing these things, cause i can't see much from my own impermeable negativity, but shit ! My life rocks assholes most of the time. Okay, i don't have social life, i don't have friends whom i'd spend time with (except Sami and Nemo) but it's really not bothering. If i'd start counting how much there's good things and bad things in my life, there would definitely be more good stuff than bad stuff. My attitude just stinks 80 % of the time. It's so easy to be cynical and negative. I hate people like that. I don't like unrealistically positive people either, but somewhere in between would be a nice place to land. It will propably take years and years to learn out of this negative way of thinking, but i know it will disappear at some point. I'm not negative from within, at all. My past pooped on me, and i let it affect the way i see the world. Someday i will grow out of it and be myself. The one who i really am. A goat. I'm interested in transitions. I like motion.

I've been feeling pretty good the past few days. I've had some huge urge to just go and hug everybody. I JUST WANT TO HUG. And that's what i do. Ramdomly, while making weird and undesirable noises. Sometimes i watch my own pictures and wonder how i'm really not that cool in real life. I can't keep a straight face more than one millisecond. I'd really like to be one of those omniscient personalities, but i'm really not. I'm too out of control and goofy for that stuff. Then again. I am scientist, you are suck.

Sometimes i feel like trying everything. I'm very curios about life and things..in life, and it would be really cool to know how to do pretty much everything. It's a shame human life is so short. I'd want to be one of my ancestors from the Pleiades star cluster. They live(d) more than 3000 years. Loads of time to experience, i'd say. I don't know what i'm writing, i just poop words. I'm doing harmonies atm, i'll propably need to add some spice to the soup before i let it fly out of my mouth. In other words, go through the song entirely and then compose more if needed. That's about it.

- Noora

20. Feb 2010

Today i will have a real vocal oriented day. I desided to record some singing after all. The song i'm currently working on sounds a bit too "simple" and "empty", so maybe some vocals will make it sound a bit more solid. My purpose was to keep it simple and easy for the ears. Calming. Maybe. And it will be that, if i manage to sing properly and not shout my brains out of their location. I just have to think less when i sing. And maybe sound a bit less tortured ?

Anyway, there's still 4 days to my birthday. Fuck that really, what a stupid invention. I will propably forget its existence and just get old without even noticing it. Man, it happens so quickly. I can already see it happening when i stare at myself from the mirror. "Who is that old wrinkled woman thingy in there ?" "It's me, master. Use the force." "WHAT ?" "Shit !" Well, tit happens and all. Our apartment is getting small for us. We'd really need to start searching for new before i grow out my wings and start flying in here. Poop on the walls and shit.

Devin Townsend really rocks my balls. This man is genius in so many ways, it's ridiculous. There's not many bands or artists i really respect, but this man has it all and goes straight to the top caste of the ultimate cool things in this universe. He will always be in my balls. For the small infinity i exist.

Other dude i really respect is my boyfriend. Not only because i have the privilege to scratch his balls, but because he is one of the most ingenious human beings i have ever met in my entire life. Especially musically. His solo project is one of the greatest things i've ever heard or been part of. (Okay, fact is, i haven't been part of many other projects, but that's because i only do (for) geniuses. Vagina. What. AND, nobody wants me. Les cry togetha.) I'm very glad i'm living with this being who supports my music more than i do, and pushes me to go forward in every aspects of life. This guy RULES ARSE. He is still mixing, doing final touches for the album. But soon, it'll be ready to blow minds. Literally. "I did not mean to blow your mind, but that shit happens to me - AAAAAAALL THE TIIIIME." Tenacious D - Master Exploder

I'm surprised i'm awake ! And it's not even afternoon yet ! I slept very weirdly. I didn't really know if i was sleeping or awake the time i spent in the bed. My dog started barking at some point in the middle of the night, then came to bed, had an embarrased look in his face ("dis dog sory, can i has forgiveness") and got back to sleep. (Yeah, i sleep with my dog. Sami sleeps in the corridor. In fetus position, crying.) Anyway, i still don't know if i'm actually writing this or is this just a dream of some kind. Propably both.

- Noora

19. Feb 2010

+ New pictures added to Self-portraits/2010.

18. Feb 2010

I've been mixing quite a lot today. My newest creation seems to head for the right direction in a very pleasant speed. I've honestly enjoyed making this song, i love its simplicity. I weally weally like it ! There's no second thoughts about this, i've learnt another lesson. Enjoyment. I don't have to think there's a potato in my arse and get all weird about it. I'd rather enjoy its existence. (...) I enjoy the fact that i can do things, i have a healthy body (+ mind-('s getting better all the time)) and my brains aren't that bad. Okay, i has no brainz, but neither has my fellow jellyfish from the ocean ! Consciousness needs no brain.

I love to see my dog getting happier and happier each day. I can't count the mistakes i made with him when he was younger, but now definitely is the perfect time to make up all the shit that happened in the past. I'm glad to have this chance. I just want to give him the best life possible. He's very sensitive dog, quite fearful but loving. He propably evolved as a copy of me and my behavior. At least he acts the same way as i did (and still do in some situations). He needs encouragement. Just like i did. And love. And chicken.

I feel much better now that the sun shines longer. Everything seems easier when there's more light. That's what i need right now. Just, loads of light. I cleaned up our apartment. Win.

- Noora

17. Feb 2010

Today i realized i already have everything. Nothing more, nothing less.

- Noora

16. Feb 2010

I'm uber excited about the new music i started creating yesterday. I'm inspired, which is great. I'm also glad that i managed to compose something totally different again and it came naturally, without any struggle. I'm very excited, nice nice nice. Did i mention my excitement ? The song is soon finished, i'm not sure if i'm going to sing in it, since i kinda like it already. God, everything i just wrote looks retarted but i'm excited. It's great !

Oh, yes. The time i was 13-15 years old my singing voice was much better than what it is now. I've totally lost it. It kind of saddens me, since singing has always been something i have considered being good at. Nowadays everything i sing just utterly confuses me. I don't sound good anymore. I don't know why/when i started to suck so much. Is it just that i've lost the connection. I was more connected and inspired back then. Everytime i sang something, i was IN the song. Has my drive for perfection ruined me ? Once everything was emotion. Everything was connected. I was what i did. But now. I'm not singing because i have something to say. I'm singing because i want to be productive. I am productive, but everything i create has no purpose. At least they seem hasty and emotionless. There's lots of fake emotions in my creations, but nothing real. I want to be real again. Of my releases, Wanderer (in all of it's shittiness) is the only one i had attached real emotions. Everything else i've done, meaningless. Nothing.

This might be just some transient chapter in my life, maybe. I don't know. This really bothers me. I've never wanted to do things just because i can. There must be more. Life is to find, get lost and then find again. Seems like it. At least i'm creating again. I just need to forget what i have learnt.

- Noora

14. Feb 2010

My real hair colour is grey. It's not light brown, it's grey. Dyeing hair is plain stupid. When you start doing it, there's no turning back. Black is the shittiest colour of all. A few months after the dye, you look like you're getting bald. If i wouldn't shave my eyebrows, they'd grow out of the windows. I'm hairy. It's okay. I'm totally fine with being hairy. I try not to go back on dyeing hair. It's really a shitty business (oh well, great business for those who sell the products), and does nothing for me. It's just a habit i should stop.

I've even considered shaving it all off. My head. Arse. I've thought about it many, many years. Sami thinks it's a bad idea. I think it would be liberating. Sometimes i wonder if i think about it too much. I should just do it. Then again, i would propably regret it, maybe. Maybe not, it's just hair. Why does it have such a big role in our lives ? It's weird. I wish i didn't own mirrors. They're honest. I can get pretty vulnerable in front of these reflecting things. With camera it's different. I can change pretty much everything that's in the picture afterwards. Easy and fun. It's all just a program. I wish i could just do things without having any doubts. I wish i had some confidence. Even the tiniest bit. I'd live life the way it's supposed to be lived. I'd fight with bears. Yeah, that's life.

Tomorrow i'll start recording again. I feel empty. There's no project left to finish (except cleaning the apartment) so i'll need to start working on something new. When i say new, i really mean it. I want to make something different. We'll see. I don't know what exactly yet, but it's not a problem. I feel pretty good. Just a bit useless and empty. I've taken new pictures in the past couple of days and i'm not happy about the results. I don't feel inspired, and it shows in my works. Inspiration is very hard to maintain, it comes and goes randomly. It's like my boyfriend. Soon he'll be going again with the band and i'll be crying while pooping and waiting him to come back. That's just how it goes. I'm propably just going to do some angsty songs while he's away. Crying. Pooping.

- Noora

13. Feb 2010

+ New pictures added to Misc/2010 and Self-portraits/2010.

+ New song added to Music.

11. Feb 2010

+ New pics added to Misc/2010.

I saw a dream where i lived my life normally, but i was very psychotic, sick and tired but couldn't sleep. I tried to figure out why i felt so weird, some point i thought i was having some massive panic attack that would've possibly caused my weird behaviour. But no. My family members seemed normal, looked the same, but felt like a group of total strangers. I couldn't stand the fact that this unimaginable weirdness would continue, so something happened. All of a sudden, i realized i'm in a reality show. The people who lived with me, were not my real family, but robots from this show i had participated. This world (that seemed real) around me was just a part of the reality show, nothing was real, but everything was made to look like it was. The point in that whole show was, if i wanted to go back to my real life, i needed to figure out that the one i'm in, is only a game. After i'd do it, i could return to the real world with my real parents and life.

Then a door opens. I felt so happy because i knew that NOW i could go back to my real life. I ran through some hallway and i saw my friends. In the next picture i'm partying and dancing somewhere. Having fun. While i'm laughing, some random guy comes to me. He says: "I bet you know, this isn't real either ?" He had this weird look on his face. Then i realized something, AGAIN. "None of these people are real, neither is my existence or anything i'm currently experiencing." So, i came to conclusion that the "real life" wasn't "real" either, only a part of my imagination. Just experience like the show i was in. Then i started feeling even more weirder. I also started questioning my principles, my moral. Everything. Why i live life the way i do, if life is but a dream ? Are all of my thoughts and idealogy only part of some program ? Can i change the program ? SHOULD i change the program ? Weird fucking shit ass occured to my mind, and i totally get what i was after. ^ Everything above seems a bit fucked up, but it actually isn't. That much.

I still feel weird. And cold. I have a bad surface circulation of blood. My legs go numb often. And hands sometimes. I'm also hungry. There's much to do. I should clean this place. Starting to stink, and sink. Oh, Nemo peed on our carpet yesterday. It was totally random and unexpectable. I just heard Sami screaming "NEMO WHAT THE FUCK !" and there he was, having a wee-wee. Nemo, not Sami. It's weird, normally he warns about things like these, but now he just desided to go and do it on the carpet. Animals, so genuine.

- Noora

09. Feb 2010 / I will never see myself

+ New pics added to Misc/2010.

Can't sleep. Too much thoughts, too much energy. At times i just wish i could see myself. It seems to be something that's just impossible to do/perceive. Why is it so hard to see what's in front of me. Everything else in life seems pretty easy compared to this. It's like we humans don't have it in us naturally. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe that's just something i must learn. I'm so egoistic, the only thing i'm concerned about is ME, no wonder i can't see shit. Sometimes i don't even recognize what's really important, i just throw things away without questioning myself or my acts. And, i judge everyone else who does this. But i never see myself. It really bothers me. I should be better than this.

Jealousy. It's the thing that keeps us separate. Unhappy. Distant. I wish i didn't have this trait in me, but the fact is, we all have it in us. We're all competing and comparing each other every fucking day. Personally, it really feeds me. It feeds me in so many sick ways, it's almost like some lifeforce that i need to feel alive. We humans are addicted to it. It defines us as long as it controls us. I'm jealous all the time. I can't spend time with people because i'm constantly worried about getting jealous. I'm constantly worried about feeling hurt, being judged, pushed aside, feeling like i'm not enough and all that crap. I can't stand the feeling when i'm not in control of everything. I need to be better to be something, but what is this something i want to be ? I bet there is lonely in the egoland. I know it's not about being better. I can't ever be anything else but me. It's not better, it's not worse. It's just me. And it really sucks.

I quess that's the point. I just want to be good enough for me. I would love to be perfect, but i'm so full of flaws. The things i consider as "flaws" are so naive, it's ridiculous. Flawlessness is not perfection, although i try and try to make it so. I'm interested in seeing where all of this is going to lead me. I know i'm going to get it one day. Really, really get it. The time in between just makes me go nuts. I would already like to see myself evolving. Presumably some evolving is happening all the time, but. It's just slow process. I'm reckless. And, the fact is: I will never see myself.

Sami looks a bit dead when he sleeps. Sometimes i want to make sure he's really alive. I watch if he breathes. He does, and farts too. He doesn't really enjoy when i write things about him like: "he farts a lot", but it's okay. He can tell everybody that i'm crazy biatch who farts even more horrendously and has affair with her dog. Sami is some serious piece of ass, wouldn't fuck with that guy. No wait, BUT I ALREADY...

- Noora

08. Feb 2010

+ Few pics added to Misc/2010.

07. Feb 2010

I just had a dream where i said to myself that the humankind has approximately 20 000 hours to live. It's fucking weird really, i can't make these kind of calculations in my head, but this amount of hours indicates that we're all going to die in the year of 2012. Before i saw this dream, i had another dream about huge tsunami that was going to kill us all, and the timing for this was exactly 2012. This isn't the first time i've calculated something (i honestly can't calculate anything because of my lack of mathematical skillz) in my head without thinking and been right in it. Never happens in real life, but in my dreams. I must be some hidden genios. I don't really believe in the 2012 crap that is out there (until it happens), but i'm excited about my hidden mathematical me. :--)

In one of my other dreams i had a huge need to move to Jyvaskyla. I've had this "urge" many times before in my dreams. It's weird. Why Jyvaskyla ? This is just weird. I'm still half asleep, i feel like my brainz have just expanded and they can't fit into the room. Okay not. It's just weird.

- Noora

06. Feb 2010

I have a small need to write exactly right nao. I've played Mass Effect non-stop the last couple of days and i love it. Although i'm not very far in it, it's still as good, or even slightly better than the first one. It's really ingenious. We also finished watching the Star Wars movies, and because of that, i've had dozens of sci-fi dreams lately. Maaaaanyyyyyy. Great ones.

I'm still trying stuff with the new song i'm mixing atm. I won't start making the vocals before i've finished "trying" stuff. I don't really know what i'm doing, but it's no surprise. At least i kinda like the song. I haven't done anything great in my life just yet, but who knows. Maybe my future job is to kill aliens somewhere in the space. That's what i like. No, not really. I'd rather be friends with the aliens. I've always wanted to have aliens as friends. Sometimes i wonder if Sami is a reptilian. He kind of could be.

Almost everybody i know has studied all of their lives, have a regular job/jobs now. I stopped studying after i had finished the comprehensive school and i basically don't remember anything of the time i went there. Neither did i really learn anything. At least i have no memory of the things i could've possibly learnt. Nice.

Anyway. I hate it when i'm forced to see my relatives and explain them, that i don't study nor do i have a job. That means = i'm a bum who does nothing and should be ashamed and scorched in the bonfire. After the awkward explaining and the silence that occures, i start to feel bad about myself; they work their asses off, and i'm.. not working my ass off at all ! And the thing is: I have no fucking intention to start working or studying ! At least, not the way it's commonly understood.

I don't want to spend my time in an institution full of academic snobs, feeling numb and weird and detached from my truest purpose and self. Working isn't a problem, as long as i can do what i want and where i'm good at. I am "working" all the time ( - mass effect ) with my project and music otherwise too. I consider photographing as "working", although i don't do it that often anymore ( = means, once in a week ). Do i get paid ? Hell no. I don't believe that money defines what is work and what isn't. It's all in our brainz. Or somewhere outside of our brainz. Or something. Do i want money ? - No. Do i need money ? - Yes. But that's other story.

BT's "This Binary Universe" is one of my favorite albums of all time. Just so you'll know, stranger.

- Noora

03. Feb 2010

I've noticed, that the more i get to know new people, the more i want to drag myself (almost instinctively) away from them. I get so paranoid around people. I can't stand humans for long periods of time. I'm so estranged from everything that it has really started to comfort me in many ways. I would want to be with people, do things what normal kids do (in a way), but it doesn't come naturally. It never has ! And it doesn't feel right. The things i really enjoy doing does not include other humans. I love to spend time in my own universe which i've created around me and for me. It sounds so self-sufficient, and that's indeed what it is, but it's different too. It's the only place i want to be, and the only place i feel home. This world isn't my home. If my thoughts creates my reality into existence, this is how my life is and will be. And it feels right.

I feel i have two totally different sides in me, constantly fighting with each other. I feel like i don't really own myself. I feel like everything that i am is simply not real at all ! I feel like my body is just a sum of thoughts i've had since the day i was born. When i take pictures of me, i don't really recognize myself. I'm not the person in the pictures. I'm not in the picture, but i am the picture.

Many people have criticized me because of the huge amount of self-portraits i have taken in the past few years. I totally understand why it bothers many of them, although i'm not in the same page with most of these people. Fact is, i LIKE taking pictures of this girl i'm experiencing life with. I don't think she is that bad at all. I'm not solely her, but i enjoy expressing myself through this body of "ours". I express my spirit through the pictures, the music, whatever the shit i come up to, it's fucking important to me ! It's not about looking/sounding good, or even realistic. It's about free individual expression and it means everything to me. FUCK.

When i take pictures of myself, i don't think that "HELL YEAHS I LOOK FUCKABLE TODAY" or "I WISH OTHER BOYS (LIKE ME) WOULD FIND ME ATTRACTIVE, AND THEN FUCK ME IN THE ASS". I have art in the internets, and i guess the reason for that is to feel more "out there" than "in here". To share (my ass) ? I have a need to share, although i don't like receiving or being "out there", "going somewhere" with myself. These are the ones fighting with each other. Wants and needs, expectations and... pees ?

I finished composing the song i've talked about. Started mixing a bit too. Don't know how's it going to be like after i've made the vocals, propably just shit. The next album will be something totally different again. Don't know exactly what, but i'll figure it out. Life is pretty okay. Still two more Star Wars to go. Mass Effect should arrive tomorrow. Not like i'm waiting.

- Noora

01. Feb 2010

+ Two new pictures added to self-portraits 2010.

We're having a Star Wars marathon with Sami. I must admit that i didn't remember them being so comical ! I didn't even remember how the guns sounded until now (more pipe-ish wheezy sound than gun-ish at all). Utterly confusing. And the gun the queen Padme carries is just.. so.. not gun (=dildo) ! Seriously, that's NOT A GUN.

I've had serious pains because of my wisdom teeth / chin which has declined to cooperate with me. Now it's feeling better again though. I'll proly need to go to see the dentist. They're going to rip my teeth off and do some surgery for the chin. Sounds like fun ! Not ! We'll see what happens if anything.

Haven't really had any inspiration towards music lately. I'll continue recording when it comes naturally again. I honestly don't have anything to say either. EXCEPT ! We bought Mass Effect 2, and it'll arrive in couple of days. And we don't even have money for the rent ! Niiiiiiiiiiice. Yeah... I definitely don't have anything to say.

- Noora

27. Jan 2010

After i had finished the shittiest song in human history (in other words: "on the other side") i was totally finished with composing music and desided not to be doing it for a LONG LONG while. Well, now (couple of days later) i'm finished with being finished and started recording a new song again, hahahahhaaa. Not funny really. I played the start for Sami and he said it sounded like gangsta rap... SAY WHAT. Well, fair enough. Maybe i will do some painfully embarrasing rapping for the song and make a total fool out of myself. I mean, i already am a fool, but. You know, i could go to another level with this. I could be even more awkwardly foolish and embarrasing.

I saw a dream about alien/robot mutations. Very cool. I wish i knew how to write futuristic alien/robot mutation music. Maybe i'll just need to get that right state of mind somewhere... MAYBE IT COMES FROM THE MASS EFFECT 2 WHAT WE'RE GOING TO ORDER IN THE BEGINNING OF FEBRUARY. I honestly can't wait. We don't even have money for it, but we absolutely need it. We will eat less to get it. Yes.

I had an appointment in the employment agency yesterday, and it went much better than the first one. They tried and tried, but i was very persistent with my own view and it was over sooner than i had in mind. Fuck my ass. I'd rather be poor than unhappy and... poor. I shouldn't drink energy drinks. They make me feel very weird. My heart jumps like some insane (or, normal) rabbit and my mind is in chaos. Oh, this chemical unbalance in me. Soon it's february. Still 18.

- Noora

25. Jan 2010

+ New song added to Music.

My own comments for the song: "This song is just very uninspiring and utter shit.

I don't even know how i managed to do something so useless. But i did, one yey for me !

The song is about someone who's dead, and wants to live again. She/he/it whatever is talking from the other side of our existence. Our reality and this one are connected, but the so called "other side" is only visible to this girl (i assume she's a girl). If that makes sense. I know it doesn't, but who gives a shit.

Yes, and i know the transition part and the end of the song sounds like two 90 year olds having gaysex (which proly sounds less horrible than what i've just made). I'd really like to hit myself with something hard but not penis, i was absolutely too lazy to fix these things. Hell yeah i fucking suck. After i had finished doing this, i couldn't breathe. I was literally dying and wanting to kill my ass. Thanks. I take failures quite seriously."

---

Why did i start making music in the first place ? I honestly have no idea. I create without having any real understanding towards my creations. I really don't have a clue what i'm doing. I don't even know what i'm singing in the songs i've wrote. Creating is something i do inherently, it's like breathing but much easier. It's the only reason i'm not totally devastated about the future.

I don't love music. I don't love photography. But i love the feelings they give me. This is the path i've chosen, this is how i express myself in this lifetime. I don't have a favourite colour. I like them all, just like i hate them. In this moment, i love you. The next moment everything could be gone. I'm obsessed about feeling like everything's going to end tomorrow. I've always wanted to be right, but i'm always wrong. Why things inside of my head are so different than the reality itself ?

I've seen dreams about our extinction almost every night the past 10 years. I've died so many times. Not permanently yet. What is (s)permanence ? Once i saw a dream where the earth had flooded, everything was underwater. I watched this chaos from above thinking how free and pure everything was. There was nothing but water. Everywhere. I wish everything would change for the better. Even with the ones i care for less.

I'm so full of shit. Feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest. Polyrythmic heart. I've had constant anxiety from the early childhood. I can't breathe. I'm a stranger in this town. I'm stranger everywhere. But it's okay. Stick those pills to your ass doc, they don't do shit. No wait. That's exactly what they do. This is not cool, this is just shit. I think i'll go to sleep.

- Noora

23. Jan 2010 / Hap-penis comes from the inside

Today i started recording vocals with lyrics and about half of them were ok, so tomorrow it's time to finish this shit and do the rest. I sleep in weird patterns, i've been feeling pretty good the past couple of days, i'm muscular and hairy. I don't even try to make sense out of my life, since it'll just lead me deeper and deeper into confusion. I used to know myself much better when i was younger. But now i've kinda started questioning myself and my indivituality. Nothing's going to last forever, everything changes constantly, today i'm this, tomorrow i'm already changed. So it's pretty hard to categorize myself into anything long lasting since i'm nothing spesific. Just combination of everything and in between. It makes my life much harder, because i feel i don't even belong in my own skin.

When i was something like 10 years old, my teacher said to me; "you are really not a girl, but neither a boy". Yeah, "thanks". I didn't really get what she meant back then, but now that i'm seriously a decrepit human, i kinda see what she was trying to say. That's exactly what i am. I obviously have a vagina, but it's really nothing but a useless sex organ. It has nothing to do with anything. Why did i even mention it ? Hmmm, dunno, anyway. Yeah. But i have some serious balls too. Not physical ones, but like, serious mental balls. I'm really very guy and a girl, but i guess everybody is. It's just that i'm very aware of it and it makes me feel weird. The same comes with sexuality, it's a confusing subject. I don't think i really spesifically fit into any of these common known sexuality..groups ? I fucking hate everyone who's making a huge deal out of them anyway ! I have a boyfriend, but i'm not with him because he has a penis. He could have a fish hanging from the crotch and i would still love him the same, i wouldn't care. Man, it would be baffling if he had one though.

I dunno why, but i've been having some huge urge to show some love for my family in the past couple of days. It's really not what i do very commonly, but i feel like i really need to do this exactly right now. I just truly love them. They're fucking amazing people. Even in the shittiest periods of time i've learnt so much from them, and it's all been worth it. Without them i wouldn't be me, i wouldn't have a life. Everything would stink so bad. I have no idea why i was born, but i just want to squeeze them all and... Yeah, i want to thank them for having me. Without getting too sentimental, i need to admit my nudity here. Yes, i should put some clothes on. This is a disgrace for the humankind. I'm sorry.

- Noora

21. Jan 2010

+ New pictures added to Misc/2010.

I'm having a hysterical zombie mode atm, i could sleep for eternity. My head hurts. I slept something like 14 hours yesterday, although i had planned having my demo vocals done that day. I haven't recorded any vocals yet (yeah, i guess Nemo did stop me after all, not) because i have been SLEEPING ALL THIS FUCKING TIME. I woke up in a frog position, which Sami quickly photographed. It was truly hilarious. The first thing i did today was laugh myself to death, having my legs reaching the ceiling as i was opening my eyes. Looked just like i was giving a birth to something but in a froggy style. And this wasn't the first time i've done this trick. Sami has also photographed my "gay leg" position and "superman" position. They were out of this world as well. I might put the evidence here sometime, just to show how, erm.. flexible i am.

This fucking shit headachetoothishachestupidchinacheshit could stop now. I don't really feel like singing but i guess i need to try. Or something. I'm having a bum sort of style nowadays. I kinda enjoy it. You couldn't really tell if i was a guy or a girl. Or Japanese. Interesting stuff.

- Noora

19. Jan 2010

I just woke up. I had a dream where i needed to investigate what is common with Van Halen, Yngwie Malmsteen and Disney's drawers. I thought i really didn't want to know, so i desided to wake up. I've seen quite many dreams of Van Halen and Yngwie Malmsteen actually. Certainly too many. Haven't ever even listened to those two, but i guess this was a clear sign... for not to ever even try.

I'm considering on having a vocal day today. Seems like a good idea since i woke up this early. Although i will propably sound like a dead camel, i'm still going to record some ass. Only Nemo can stop me.

Feels like everything i do is meaningless and small compared to what i could be doing. I have big ideas in my mind, but i'm seemingly too shit to actualize anything, bring things out in the open. I'm glad i have Sami. Without him i'd be a lot less hopeful. What comes to other hoomans, i'd really like to know. Seems like i don't really care for anyone who is trying to make friends with me. I'm very sceptical. I don't even believe in friendship. It's out of my sight. I believe in Santa Claus. He is a perv genios.

Maybe i should just calm down, forget that i exist and then float in the moment. Sometimes i don't even believe i'm here. My life came out of nothing, and it's still floating in it. Sometimes things just are unreal and incomprehensible and full of mystical shit i can't possibly get out. I'm full of questions without clear answers and it kinda bothers me. But fuck with this really. From now on, i'm concentrating on floating.

- Noora

17. Jan 2010

Today i got a chance to see my sister's newborn child the first time. Without any exaggeration, this child was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen in my entire life. I almost started crying when i saw her the first time. It would have been too gay though, so i kept it inside. Or maybe it wouldn't have been, but anyway. I tried to concentrate on remembering that special moment the rest of my life. And i will, that's how amazing it was. I thought i didn't really like children or babies, but... This child ! So amazing, full of life and some different kind of energy i've never seen/felt before. (No, i'm not going to rape Sami while he is sleeping. No, i'm not getting secretly pregnant.) I'm so happy for both of the parents and the child and their smelly dogs. You've created something truly great together and i hope you'll have a great life ahead of you. Fuck yes !

Man, i'm such a wussy. I'm always crying when big things like these happens to my loved ones. When my sister got married, i cried like a baby and fell to the floor while photographing, in the middle of the ceremony. After that i started laughing and crying at the same time and it was just awful in a very awkward but funny way. I guess i'm emo, there's too much evidence for it not to exist. Well, well. Well yes.

I never knew this would affect me emotionally though, i thought i didn't really have it in me. I didn't really know that i could be so happy for this. I thought i'm emotionless selfish prick, even a baby hater ! But i guess i'm not that bad after all ! Sometimes it's great to be alive, a human, me.

- Noora

16. Jan 2010 / Let it roll, Nemo lol

I saw a dream about Michael Jackson. He was my friend and a really cool guy ! In one of my other dreams i beat up Sami with a baseball bat. I dunno why, but i'm always trying to kill him in my dreams. I have some serious problem with anger. I don't really know what should i do with it. Well, i rather kill and beat up people in my dreams than in the real life. I don't like violence, but i have a habit of doing violent acts in my dreams nowadays. Maybe i'm just an angry kid who has some problems. Yeahs, that must be it.

I started mixing today. It sucks. I have no idea what i'm trying to achieve with my pathetic way of trying to make a great mix. My production will propably suck the next ten years (or more), but i have promised myself to make something really amazing one day. I hope it won't be a child ! I guess this is all just a practise. I guess everything is. I guess this is a great way to fill up the days and get lost in my thoughts, escape the horrid anxiety that is building up (actually in this current moment). I don't even know why it always comes. It's like i've programmed it's existence in me. It seems to be the only way i react on things. Maybe it's my age. I wish i'd knew a way to make it disappear forever.

I'll continue the mix tomorrow. I want to forget what i did with it, so i'll propably hear everything (that) went wrong. Or not.

- Noora

15. Jan 2010

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-portraits 2010.

In all seriousness, i hate serious people. Although, i kinda enjoyed being one while playing Mass Effect (which i finished playing today, btw). I was totally serious and immoral serial killer and i was ruthless even with the ones in my team. Maybe "seriousness" is something amazing, but i can't really fit myself in it. I've always been more or less fucked up from my brain tentacles, and i really like being this way. This fucked up side of mine is something that i'm honestly proud of, there's nothing fake or forced in it, it's something i truly feel is me in this experience i call a life. Many times in my life i've tried to be this smart(ass) human being who is above everybody else, i've tried to give some other impression about myself because i thought i'm not enough with my randomness and ugly assface. But the fact is, i can't really act anything. This is who i really am, and it's pretty much what i've always wanted to be too. Not because it's cool, not because i'm better than you (although i really am, SORRY) but because this is me for fuck sakes ! If someone doesn't really get it, then we're just not resonating with each other. Or something else that looks cool when it's written down.

I love my dog. I've learnt so much from him. I guess the best way to learn to live life is to watch your pet do it right. He is just unbelieveble, and he doesn't even have to do anything to be so... smart ! Man, i wish i had his intelligence. That's something out of this world. I've never trained him to do anything special, i think he was special already when he was born and when he puked in the car while we were bringing him home the first time.

I'm almost finished writing a new song i started composing some time ago. I guess i mentioned about it earlier. I can totally hear how Mass Effect influenced the end part of the song, it's almost funny how the feeling changes completely after the first couple of minutes. Vocals will propably change something as well, but i haven't thought about them just yet. We'll see. I'm glad how naturally everything comes out of me nowadays. Great improvement.

My sister gave a birth to a healthy girl today. How amazing is this ! Can't wait to see her, this is weird shit in a very cool way. It's funny to think how little it's been since me and my sis were small kids playing games outside. Running with our pants full of poop. Those times. Where did they go ? It's not like i'd want to shit my pants still, but. Man, when you're a child you can just run. Run all the time. You can think there's an extraterrestrial life out there without being ridiculed and put into a mental hospital. Oh well, i guess i'm a living proof that you can manage to be that way after the childhood too. But, it's so lonely in the adult's world. I wish i was a llama.

I just had a weird deja vu. Every moment has happened before.

- Noora

14. Jan 2010

Here i am again, in the middle of the night having the urge to write something. I'm listening different artists with great productions so maybe one day i can do the same ! The music itself isn't always really amazing, but as long as the production is fine, i can listen pretty much everything and try to learn from it. I guess it's pretty common way anyways.

Sometimes i feel fucking weird about myself, the things i do, the past and the future. Random memories and details keeps pouring into my mind. Sort of makes me feel nostalgic and sad and weird. I'm glad i've already forgot something like 85 % of all the things that has happenned in the past (maybe because of the huge amount of traumatic events i've experienced or just normal memory loss...thingy). I don't understand myself, the so called life i'm having and why my dog keeps on smiling at me. My boyfriend thinks i'm a jackass, my mother relies on me, my sister is having a baby, actually she's having it (her) today, what that makes me; an aunt. Fuck. Everybody has a meaning in their lives. I'm not saying i don't, i just haven't really figured it out yet. OR HAVE I ? When the first lord of the rings movie came out, i wanted to be an elf somewhere riding with a white male (...well, the one with balls anyway) horse. And i don't even like horses ! Fuck. ("riding a white male" Ah shit, well. HORSE. MALE HORSE.) (NO, NOT THAT WAY. ANIMAL MOLESTING IS RONG. And i was something like 11. I didn't know what penis is for. I still don't.)

I'm having anxiety attacks because i need to go to see the employment agency's fat ass mind manipulator again, soon. How can someone so insignificant (to me) have such a significant impact on me ? Doesn't make any sense. I've played Mass Effect to release my inner monsters. I take the game too seriously. Proly getting addicted to it. I'm easily obsessed.

I should stop drinking tea. It makes me way too energetic. I should sleep, but i'm awake. I hate people who are always trying to convice their super human intelligence to other non intelligent beings (like me). It's silly, we're all stupid fucks. More or less. I hate everything that's fake in humans. I don't really hate when i say hate. I get annoyed easily. I don't really care for people but it would be fun to care more ! It's really hard for me to get excited about other's existence. But i guess that can be mirrored from my view of life itself. I'm not really excited about my own existence either, so it's a double win.

I think being still is boring, i'd rather boogie.

- Noora

13. Jan 2010 / Can somebody stick one Lady Gaga up to my ass ?

+ New picture added to Photo/Self-portraits 2010.

Any volunteers ? No ?

I've really started to think when should i start considering myself as "an adult" or "a woman". I mean wtf. I always thought that i'd start to feel more mature now that i'm getting closer to 20. Right ? In all honesty, i can feel my brain cells disappearing in a faster rate the older i'm getting. Might be the polluted food, might be the "growing old" part as well. Mind control ? Who knows. But, shit. A woman ? WTF is that ? What does a woman do ? Should i start playing World of Warcraft ? I have no fucking idea what a woman is. Something smart ? Or the opposite ? Less fun ? More old ? Feminist ? Evil to boys ? Children coming out of the stomach eating ham and shit then puke ? Now what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Why did i think that "being an adult" was something super fucking amazing and serious shit when i was a kid ? You know, i even wanted to go to school because my older friends were cool because they went there and because they were old and cool. What the fuck was that all about ? There's absolutely nothing cool in getting older ! ALL THE THINGS THEY PUT INTO A MIND OF A CHILD. LIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEES. I'm not bitter, just confused. Vicious circle.

So, when should i start this dreamlike adulthood state of mind (now that the gravity's taking my boobs too) ? Well. I'd say never, but the society probably has a better answer for this too. Seems like it has an answer (or excuse) to all of the questions i don't even have in my mind ! I guess i'm an adult because some random megalomaniac somewhere long time ago desided that this is the way the cookie crumbles. It's fun how things just are and nobody dares to care, hahaha yey and shit. It was fun when they took away my childhood, and it's fun now that they've desided that i'm officially a boring asshole whose dreams were killed in the long lasting run of mind control. Thaaaaaank you.

Yesterday i just felt awesome. I cut off some fish head randomly, put the fish in the oven, then ate it, claimed that Sami is such a girl, had powerful feelings. I just went crazy many times that day. I jumped and laughed. It's fun to be someone who you really are and not some angsty piece of shit ! This could be my new hobby. Just, go crazy and scream and do other animalistic stuff. (Btw; Sami isn't "such a girl", he is pure evil satan 666 although i was the one cutting the fish head off... SO I RULE 100 TIMES MORE. I DO.)

I still feel pretty fucking good. So. Yes. Nice.

- Noora

12. Jan 2010

+ Photos are now much easier to watch, just click one and you'll have the chance to go to the next one or return to the previous picture... If that's the right way of saying it ! So, go ahead and check it out (if somebody is ever visiting this site) (if not, this was all just useless information).

+ New picture added to Photo/Misc 2010.

11. Jan 2010

I had a dream about alien invasion. The aliens were seriously evil, and i killed them with a machine gun. I was seriously badass.

Everybody wants to be special in some way. But why ? What's so special about being special ? Isn't it just another way to feel the ego rising, feel 'above' other hoomans ? Only a few feels truly loved; insicurity about your own worth is inevitable. It's silly. Nobody loves themselves. What is love, BABY DON'T HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME - NO MORE. Alrighty.

I've always been kind of sceptical about our reality's realness. I haven't really felt that things in this life are solid the way 'solid' is understood in the human sense. I've never quite felt like i'm only this body and the experience. My mother is a christian, and i was raised by the ROOLZ OF GOD (or some weird dude i never knew) !193024+ But, some point i got out of the brainwashed way of thinking about spirituality. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being part of some commercial brainwashgroup ! If that's your style, then go with it ! My honest opinion is, that the more you let somebody else deside over your life, the more it's going to be that way and suck. And the more you let some perv priest (or a book can easily do that too, especially if it's written by some beirdy dude OR GOD...) tell you what's the meaning of your life, the more fucked up you'll become. I'm not suggesting anything because it's stupid shit. There's nothing wrong about anything, i believe. Everything is just a matter of perspective. I mean honestly, if something is wrong here, it's probably right somewhere else ? THINK ABOUT SPACE MAN ! Spaaaaaaaace.

I've started to think that maybe infinity isn't at all huge ! Maybe it's the opposite. Why would it have to be huge ? Why we're always thinking stuff the way it's impossible to comprehend. It's like we're meant to be here and live this planned sheep life. Hahaa, eat my ass ! I believe that aliens (or non aliens) manipulated our genes in some point of our evolution. Shouldn't be at all that foilhat since we're doing it now to our animals and plants ! Maybe we're just some GM slaverace. I dunno. BUT, FUCK MY ASS ALIENS ! HERE I COME WITH MY MACHINE GUN. That's going to be a song, it rhymes.

Remember, god doesn't love you. BUT I LOVE YOU. ASDAASDSDSD No, seriously. >:---o

- Noora

10. Jan 2010

+ New pictures to Photo/Misc 2010.

09. Jan 2010 / Social networks are made for retarded people

Well, they are. I think there's a small retard in all of us, trying to fit in, trying to find some logic from the world around us. Some places here on the internets are just a great way of making that statement come true. I've thought of moving somewhere else with my animals. It's not that bad to live in here, it's just that i'd like to see some other places while i'm alive. It's not like i feel old or anything... If my dna contained different kind of information, i could basically live forever. Maybe ? Oh well. I'm not scared of dying, i just don't want to give up yet, you know. Grow body hair and smell hideous. (Okay, wtf, i already do this)

Contradictions. In a way, it's awesome to be here, in this place, doing what i do now with the animals supporting me. But on the other hand, i'd like to just go and experiment, drink goat's piss, eat something truly fucking exotic, run and then puke, maybe dance embarresingly somewhere... I wouldn't want to spend my time here doing things that i've gotten used to do just because they're safe. I'm not the safe kind of person. Guns don't kill people. I kill people, with guns !

Something's holding me down though. Maybe it's me and my lack of self-esteem, fear and exhaustion. When i started doing my own music, i kinda had the right attitude (for once). There was absolutely nothing that could've stopped me from doing what i wanted to do. I just decided that this IS going to work and that i WILL be the best musician that i can be. It's not like i'm ever going to be that, but i'm evolving all the time. Getting better, so to say. I should be fearless in this case as well. Just be determined that what i've planned, will work out. I guess the start is always hard.

"If it's bitter at the start, then it's sweeter in the end."

The weather was unreal outside. Just astonishing. My life's got to be more than this. Seriously.

Edit.

I finished recording vocals to Sami's soloshit and i'm pretty happy of the result ! Lots of choirs and weird ethereal stuff, a nice practise for me. Can't wait to hear how it sounds after the final mix. Yeys.

- Noora

08. Jan 2010

+ New pictures to Photo/Misc 2010.

07. Jan 2010

+ More pictures to Misc/2008 and Misc/2009.

I hate how the society is built. I really hate when people are trying tell me what to do, and where to go with myself. There comes more and more reasons to stay inside the four walls, and never see these mutherfuckers again. I wish i had a way to continue doing what i do now. No matter what they're trying to build upon me to keep up the coma, they're not going to suppress my self-expression. They can't tell me what to do. I wish they would stop sleepwalking and see that what they're doing is only a part of the problem, not the solution. Aaaaargh.

I was sitting and acting interested in the employment agency to some fat ass employee. I didn't really hear half of the things she talked, i had no idea what she tried to communicate. I was just sitting there, in total emptiness, feeling how every second went to waste. I could feel myself floathing 10 cm above my own body. This total fucking numbness filled every inch of me. I could feel demons raping me. I could hear Jesus laughing at me. How can things be so fucked up. I'd like to have one 'mass awakening' plz.

After that useless meeting i felt like blowing my head off. Now i'm so exhausted i can't even sit properly. Things can't go on like this much longer. Put me back to sleep.

- Noora

06. Jan 2010 / Seriously, WTF

+ Moar drawings to Other.

+ Moar pics to photo/misc/2008.

+ Moar pics to photo/older.

Okay, so i found "The sexiest website in the world today" called "beautiful people". Here's the link: beautifulpeople.com

Yeah. So i had a look of this thing and one question just somehow occured to my mind. It went something like this: "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ????????????????????" It seems like people are getting messed up more and more everyday. I really fucking wish i was abducted by aliens, flown away from the humanity, put into a dark box where there is only silence and my horid smell. Is this seriously all there is left ? I'm honestly waiting the next holocaust to happen. I'm so fed up with this.

There has been points in my life where i've really truly needed/wanted a friend. Sami has always been more than a smelly lump for me, he has been the biggest support i think i've ever had in my life. Still somehow, i've always wished i'd have one friend who wouldn't want to fuck or rape me. Who wouldn't be interested about my titties. Who would like to spend time with me because i'm someone worth spending time with, not because that someone would want to stick a penis into me, but because i have a cool personality. I used to have friends when i was a kid. Really good friends. I used to look like someone had beaten me up (now i look like that because of the stupid fucking shit make up i do). No boy was interested in me nor did i have boobies. But now that i've grown a bit older, nobody wants to be my friend anymore. ":----(" I think i've grown to be more distant and independent, selfish and reserved because i haven't really spend time with different people in the past... 7 years ? I can't really be myself with other girls, i totally feel like some 30 year old hairy dude. Not like there is anything wrong with that. It's totally cool. But my beard is imaginary, just like my ballz are too.

We just got back from taking Mr. Pooperz out. Today i'm going to record some vocalstuff (again) to Sami's soloproject and that's about it. He's the only one i do for free. I mean, SING. SIIIIIING... I hope it'll go smoothly. Things go the way they do. I shouldn't bother my mind all the time. Time will tell.

Yesterday somebody tried to sell me Jesus. I said noooooooooo.

- Noora

05. Jan 2010 / ...i must pay the rent, with my roooooooock

+ Added new drawing to "Other".

+ Added some old drawings to "Other".

After i began updating these sites, i've started to see some very bizarre dreams. I've always seen weird stuff in my nightly wanderings, but now it's gone way weirder again. Maybe my subconscious wants to keep me entertained and confused, in some sick way. Whatever this is, it's weird. Anyway, last night i killed people, very brutally. I woke up several times, and every time i got back to sleep; there i was, killing people again. First i killed three noble looking grannies, and some long haired dude and his son. After that i think i killed my relatives and other significant people. Soon after that i woke up again, got back to sleep and had taken part in some massmurder case. Alrighty, sounds sane. Killing was totally "ok" with me in the dreams. I actually thought it was awesome, i liked how it released my anger and anxiety and stuff. After i had woken up though, i totally felt bad for killing those hoomans. Especially the grannies. One grannie was pretty hard to get rid of though, i shot her approximately 14 times in the head and she didn't die. But then she fell down and i shot her again and THEN she finally gave up. Yeah, gutsy being. Some point i got tired of sleeping and woke up.

I feel pretty stuck with my life. It's weird. Before i met Sami, i used to be the one who's positive and full of life and all of that. Sami was the opposite of me back then. But now even Sami is more positive than me, seems like he threw away his negativity and now i got it. It's like a fucking disease. Fuuuuuuuck. I wish i'd knew a way to have a life again. It's not like i don't feel happy in general, it's more of a lack of inner peace and energy and...excitement. I have a lovely guy and a dog, but i quess i'd be happy to find some love for myself too. Hard shit. Haven't had a hard shit for a long time though. Constipation sucks. Better poop normal.

I stared working out more actively too ! That rocks. I walk like i have two kilos of shit in my pants = my "muscles" are hurting. My dog's staring at me right now, with a psycho stare. He is so special. I wish i was as relaxed as him.

But now, i need to continue composing so the song will be ready sometime. Eat my ass.

- Noora

04. Jan 2010

+ Added moar pics to Photo --> older.

+ I added a new section to photo area called "older" and uploaded some pics there.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I don't even know how it's possible to see something like this, but i did. Anyways, yeah. Here it is (compressed): Steven Seagal gave a blowjob to Macgyver... Not kidding here ! I expected to see some butterflies and flowers that night, but... Now, HOW AWESOME IS THIS ? I saw Seagal having both Macgyver's cock and balls in his throat while he was sitting near some swimmingpool. I've witnessed something truly remarkable in my own dreamworld, and nobody can ever take that away from me ! God, how cool is this.

When i was recovering from this experience (half asleep, half awake), some soft voice talked to me in my head. Haha, not kidding here either ! I can't remember all the things she said, but i remember her last sentence. She said: "You are perfect, thank you". I thanked her as well and got some fucking weird shivers down my spine and world vibrated and all that shit. So yeah, i think i just had the coolest night ever.

- Noora

03. Jan 2010

Edit:

+ Few pictures added to "Misc / 2009" and "self-portraits / 2008"

+ One picture added to "Self-portraits / 2010"

Alrighty. A few days ago I finished the fourth song for the upcoming album called "Luna Avis". The composing process was very pleasant experience and i didn't really stress anything while i was recording it. It was a huge yey for me as i got to finish it and now i feel like i'm in a great place to continue composing more songs for the album. Actually, i already started recording a new song, under a project name "Fairy". Haha, sounds gay already. We'll see how it'll turn out.

Oh, fellow hoomans can download my whole discography from bandcamp FOR FREE (music section of the site). I love bandcamp, it serves my needs just the way i like it. Yeah. This website won't have a "me" area on it, cause i think it's a plain stupid concept anyway. First of all, i'm constantly changing and evolving humanoid and i really can't (/ don't have a need to) describe myself in any other way, than with my (f)art.

No longer using myspace. The places you will find me (teh REAL me) can be found from the "contact" area. I hope i will be more active updating this website than any other place i use (sexually). We'll see that as well. Looks pretty empty here right now, but it'll change in time. I hope.

- Noora

01. Jan 2010 / The beginning

So, this is the first homepage for Noradrenaline (= (f)artsy stuff of mine). This wonderful website was created by Sami Raatikainen, the awesome homosexual who lives with me. Some call him "a boyfriend" too. I dunno where will this go, if anywhere, but i feel exited enough to keep them alive by writing shit and putting some picz and music stuff from time to time. I will write my feelings and other insignificant issues here as well, so it'll be boring for everyone. I will also inform about updates in this area of the site.

- Noora

© 2010 Noora H�kkinen